shizukuxp

Bagsak ako sa dalawang subjects na kinuha ko last year! Hindi kayo naniniwala? Well, ako man ay di rin makapaniwala.

As in first time eto sa history ng aking decade of mathematics study. Never pang nangyari eto saken mga friends, dahil nga nagsimula ako bilang consistent college scholar sa UP at tinuloy sa pagiging university scholar nung MS, at kahit pa nagkaroon ako ng ilang di kanais-nais na encounters with my sensei sa Japan, ay namaintain ko ang "above average" status.

Pero ngayon, mga kabagang, mukhang sumabit ako -- at ang masakit 2 out of 2 ah. Actually, hindi masakit, more of a shocker to me. Kase, ang basis lang naman ng grades namin ay yung final exam nung december. Sa totoo lang ay nag-aral naman ako sa exam at medyo nadalian pa nga. Kase lahat naman ng lumabas sa exam ay naituro sa klase, ika nga, wala yung mga tinatawag na "Agapito-suprises." So, ang expectation ko, masama na kung maka-B ako doon sa Banach spaces, at A- sa Commutative Algebra.

Pagkatapos, kanina pagtingin ko sa result -- aba'y parehong D- (D minus). As in, friends, talagang super shocked ako. Aba'y bigla kong nakalimutan ang boyfriend ko!!! (hehe, konti lang!)

Ang masaklap ay meeting ko with my supervisor kanina, at parang sa tono ng pananalita niya ay alam na niya ang grades ko. Kaya naman, bini-ring-up ko na rin ang topic kesa naman sa kanya pa manggaling. Sabi ko, di ako makapaniwala na D- ang grades ko, eh maayos naman ang feeling ko sa final exams.

So, ayun, sabi niya kausapin ko ang mg Prof. Dahil may appointment rin ako about baito dun sa Prof ng Banach Spaces eh pinuntahan ko agad after ng classes. Eh, ine-expect ko talaga na hindi ko papel yung na-checkan niya. I mean, baka na-switch lang kase student numbers lang ang gamit namin. Pero NO!! Bluebook ko talaga yun. So, medyo nakakahiya. Inexplain niya pa saken na hindi raw kase nasagutan yung mga items na matataas ang weight. Eh, akala ko naman kase ay cumulative, so, ia-add lahat, yun pala, ika-cancel lahat nung mababang scores at ito-total lang yung mga complete items na nasagutan mo. Eh, wala akong nasagutang complete. So, ayun, talagang D-.

Nawalan na ako ng loob na usisain pa yung Commutative Algebra kahit pa sabihin nating mas malakas ang inclination ko sa subject na yun. Akala ko rin kase, cumulative ang scoring dun. Sanay kase ako sa system sa UP, yung halimbawa 120 ang highest possible score, pero gagawing over 100 na lang, para may choice ang student kung ano ang sasagutan niyang problems. Eh, sorry, iba pala rito.

Anyway, yun na nga bagsakers na nga ako. At nanganganib ang sponsorship ko after this sem. Mukhang mapipilitan na ata talaga akong maghanap ng trabaho.

Well, at least, parang blessing in disguise na rin kung iisipin. Kesa naman di ba matapos ko nga ang PhD na ito, tapos ayoko namang mag-practice bilang guro sa unibersidad, eh 2 years is a rather long time to waste. Mabuti na mas maaga at mas bata pa ako na makaalis na ng tuluyan sa "sumpa" ng academe.

Bahala na lang ang Diyos sa akin. Sana makahanap ako ng maayos na trabaho kung saan mang bahagi ng mundo.

Currently listening to: I need you
Currently feeling: worried

shizukuxp

Noong bata pa ako, una kong pinangarap na maging isang astronaut. Totoo po ito at hindi lamang pang-friendster bulletin. Siguro mga 4 years old ako nang bumili ang mama ko ng buong set ng encyclopedia at kahit di pa man ako marunong magbasa nang mga panahong iyon ay araw-araw kong tinitingnan yung Volume 16, kung nasaan ang article tungkol sa Solar System. Paboritong-paborito ko iyon at kabisado ko hindi lang lahat ng moons ng Jupiter kundi maski distansya ng mga planeta sa sun ay alam ko rin.

Dahil hindi pa ako napasok sa eskwela that time ay maglalaro lang ako buong maghapon at itutumba ko ang 2 ratang silya at idudugtong sa aking laruang kabayu-kabayuhan. Ini-imagine ko na spaceship ko raw iyon at lalakbayin ko ang kalawakan sa pamamagitan ng aking musmos na kamalayan.

Fast forward several years later.

Ewan ko kung ano ang turning point pero basta na-realize ko na lang na hindi ako pwedeng maging astronaut. Siguro dahil na rin sa Filipino ako at by the time na medyo realistic na ako sa mundo ay alam kong walang space program ang bansa ko.

Wala naman akong regrets o hinanakit sa hindi ko pagkaka-fulfill ng childhood dream ko, basta tumuloy lang ang buhay, at guma-radweyt na nga ako bilang honour student ng matematika sa UP Diliman.

Teenager pa lang ako nang makuha ko ang degree ko, at yun siguro ang dahilan kung bakit feeling ko ay hindi pa ako ready na magtrabaho at pumasok sa lipunan. Yun ang pangunahing rason ko kung bakit nag-decide na mag-graduate studies at magturo sa academe'.

Bilang isang guro sa unibersidad ay nagkaroon ako ng maraming frustrations at insecurities. Usual angst na lang yata ng isang batam-batang teacher na halos sing-edad lang ng kanyang mga estudyante. Bukod doon ay nandon pa rin yung dream ko na makapunta sa abroad. Actually, yun naman yata ang main priority ko, nagkataon lang na naging stepping stone ko ang pagtuturo sa kolehiyo.

Nang makarating ako sa Japan bilang researcher ng math ay unti-unti kong napupuna na wala talaga roon yung drive ko na mag-aral. Nakadagdag pa siguro yung language barrier at ang kamalasan ko sa sensei ko, kaya talagang halos isuka ko ang pag-aaral ng math. Pero nariyan yung mga tao na laging nagsasabi saken na pilitin ko lang tapusin, dahil "degree" pa rin naman daw yun.

Sa awa ng Diyos ay naka-graduate nga ako sa Japan. Nandun ako sa point na dapat ay naghanap ako ng trabaho sa bansang iyon, ngunit naroon kase yung anxiety ko na kahit makakuha ako ng trabaho ay may disadvantaged ako dahil sa babae ako, at dahil na rin sa palpak kong Nihonggo. So, ayun, umiral na naman ang pride ko kaya nang makita ko ang opportunity na makapunta sa Europe bilang isang PhD ay sinunggaban ko kaagad.

Pero, sa loob ng 5 buwang gap mula ng magtapos ako sa Japan at ang enrollment sa Ireland, ay marami rin akong pinalagpas na pagkakataon para makapagtrabaho. Siguro, dahil na rin sa hindi kase ganon ka-lucrative yung mga offers na nakikita ko, at excited na rin akong makita ang Europe.

So, maliwanag talaga na mali ang mga reasons ng pag-aaral ko ng Math. Sa totoo lang halos lahat ng kaibigan ko,  pamilya ko, pati na rin boyfriend ko ay in-encourage ako na pagbutihin lang ang PhD ko, pero ang hindi ko maipaliwanag sa kanila ay hindi ko naman yata ginusto ito. Parang responsibility na lang dahil nga nasimulan na, ika nga ng bf ko, "If you don't like PhD, then why did u go there in the first place?" (Sa totoo lang ay very reminiscent ng mga pag-uusap namin ni Ginoong Nemenzo. )

Aminado naman ako na at one point in my life ay na-fascinate rin ako sa Math, sa cryptography in particular. Nagday-dream rin siguro ako na makakapagtrabaho ako sa NSA, na hindi lang financially rewarding, kundi nandoon yung prestige sa buong mundo. Pero, mabilis ko rin naman na-realize na since Filipino ako, wala rin akong chance maski sa panaginip man lang.

Sa ngayon, mahigit na sa boredom ang nararamdaman ko. Feeling ko masyado nang na-stagnate ang growth ko dahil sa mga maling desisyong nagawa ko sa buhay ko. Panahon ng ituwid ang aking landas at magbalik loob sa Panginoon -- joke what I mean, is dapat na akong mag-踏み切る -take the plunge, kung ano man ang mga dapat kong ginagawa 4, 5 years ago, dapat ay gawin ko na.

Time is ticking fast and the sooner I can cross the bridge, the sooner I'll get there. What bridge?? (hehe!)

And when I get there, then I can finally stop my astronaut daydreams.

Currently listening to: Out of reach by Gabrielle
Currently reading: College Tribune
Currently watching: Super Duper Tuesday
Currently feeling: rejuvenated

shizukuxp

Just a short note from Cork before we catch the train:

Pretty hectic, I'm bushed. Tsukaretta yo!! Wo hen lei!!

Demo, shikashi.. because of being busy I don't have time to feel lonely.

Btw, let me embed some pictures of the computer screen I did from messing around some Engineer's SOFT.

The last one looks like my life, ain't it?? Just a disclaimer, I don't have a clue of how these circuits thing work. I ran the simlator a couple of times and I almost crashed the PC. Well, talk about being destructive!

Currently listening to: None
Currently reading: Mathematica stuffs

shizukuxp

Life is really becoming tough recently. I'm quite busy with schoolwork even if I should have been twice busier. I hardly find energy to go to all of my classes, missing 5 lectures in total already. My quiz results for Number Theory are abyssmal while my research on CM method Genus 2 is going nowhere. To make matters worse, I cannot find any part-time jobs suitable to my schedule or anything more dignified than ironing clothes.

Now, this is me!

This is how my life is without my love.

Now, tell me if this is really worth it. Tell me honestly that I'm better off without the man that I love and will always love forever. Can anyone honestly claim that he is not good for me? Can any feminist tell smile again when she knows that she is throwing her one last chance for happiness?

Why me? 

Currently listening to: Ke Shi Wo
Currently reading: The Teeth of the Tiger
Currently feeling: pessimistic

shizukuxp

In the name of the Almighty God the compassionate and merciful.

If we are permitted only one question before we die then let me phrase this to be as precise as possible.

"What is it in IRAN that shattered ALL my dreams and destiny?"

Sir, you see, I have a beautiful Iranian fiance' a couple of months ago. We met in Japan and we fell hard quickly. And then we have to live away from each other but that didn't change the love that we have. We maintained constant communication, meet once-in-a-while, and after some time we know that we want to spend our lives together. We talked for hours on skype and took advantage  of what technology can offer our long distance relationship. Once, I asked him that I wanted to get married to him, in which he replied that "we should, for it's a crime against God not to marry someone you loved so deeply."

He also promised me that no matter where he is in this world, he would love me and would fight for me. I was of course worried that his parents would oppose his relationship with a foreigner, but he said that he would not let anyone decide for him. 

And then he returned to Iran, after 7 long years of being away, and suddenly those vows came crumbling like sandcastles on the beach..

What happened, that's all I wanted to know?

For one, I am sure that his parents would never accept me. I am from the Philippines, a country priding itself with Imelda Marcos' record number of shoes, English fluency, domestic helpers, and Manny Pacquioa. I do not want to debate these here because it is not my purpose for writing. Nevertheless, I would say that I am proud of my country and that I, as a Filipino has 2 masters degree in mathematics, travelled the world extensively, and that most importantly I am a good person and a good Christian. I believe in turning the other cheek, I help not only my friends, but also my enemies.

I am aware that religion will always be a factor for us, but I do respect Islam and has no qualms about converting to it. I love my boyfriend so much and I know that God has never once opposed us to be together. We have never committed anything wrong by loving each other. We believe that God is compassionate and merciful and HE understands why it is just a quote unfortunate unquote incident that I am born from a different culture.

Sir, you have mentioned in your speech in Columbia University that Iranians are very free. How is this possible if they are not allowed to love freely? How can freedom in thoughts exists without freedom for emotions? And most importantly, is it freedom that a free-spirited person will freely choose not to be free because of the bounds of his culture? It sounds like a paradox for me.

I know that the world has so many quote bigger unquote problems than this tragic love story, but isn't this also worth to be looked at? The repurcussions of a world without discrimination might  even be our best shot for peace to this planet.

That is all I want to say. Thank you very much for your attention.

-mG

Currently reading: Typing
Currently feeling: drained

shizukuxp

First time I saw a rainbow in Dublin. In fact, the first time I saw one for over a year (since Hawaii is probably dubbed as the rainbow and I've been last year).

Hope it is a sign of something good happening to me. I could surely use some good news. Lately, things seemed very amissed.

By the way, I have found a nice Iranian friend on Skype - trust me, this one is only a friend for I can just totally relate to him my problems. He has a fiancee for 3 years whom he cannot marry because of opposition of the girl's parents. I guess, Iran is really f**ked up place, right? It destroys beautiful love and replace it with hypocrisy and perfidy.

But would it be worthwhile to still visit that place? After all, who wouldn't be intrigue with the type of oppression they have? Plus all the nuclear stuffs issue. A lot of b*ll, I think.

Anyway, in case you might want to boost their tourism then for women out there, I am posting here the required dress code for u. Good luck!!

Currently listening to: Way back into love
Currently reading: PS I love u by Cecilia Ahern
Currently feeling: bleeding

shizukuxp

I would say that this BBC documentary is not only interesting but also illuminating. First of all, I have (had) an Iranian fiance',whom I met in Japan but wants to return and live in Iran. So I guess anything related to this country would catch my attention.

I have lived in Japan for almost 3 years and I have written countless musings about how sick the Japanese society is. However, in spite of dating my boyfriend for almost a year, I have never really made any concrete opinions about Iran. Perhaps, because of fear of having my country nuked (sic), or just out of respect to my lover's culture, which I know he is very much proud of.

Yet, upon seeing this documentary, I would say that Iran is definitely more f**ked up than Japan. Don't get me wrong, I am open-minded with the transsexual, homesexual, and gay stuffs in general. In fact, I'm a hardcore preacher of the Savage Garden's lyrics "I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality!"

But what really caught my attention is the whole "disowning by family"-business. I mean, what the f**k was that? I am particularly disturbed by this because my boyfriend has repeated said how he will be disowned by his family if he marries me. I believed him half-heartedly at that time, cause I understand how unbearable it would be for his parents for him to marry a foreigner.

In my culture, we have that saying, "Ang anak kayang tiising ang magulang. Pero ang magulang kailanma'y di matitiis ang kanyang anak." So, how do I translate that in English? Let's see.. "The children will be able to tolerate the sufferings of their parents, but the parents will never be able to tolerate seeing their children in trouble."

I know that a lot of Filipinos would be so delighted if they learn one day that their parents have disowned them. I can imagine my friends who are currently slaving themselves in Japan would immediately throw a party and marry their respective bf/gf for 5 years and would announce. "It is official. I'm no longer sending money via Metrobank from this month! Yahoo!!" If that is as easy as that, then 75% of Filipinos would declare themselves as gays!!

Another thing which scares me in Iran is that they seem to have so many "guards" on the street. Other than their usual army, they have their so-called "Revolutionary Guards" (yup, the one declared as terrorists by Bush!) and the MORALITY Police -- yeah, SHOCKING, isn't it, like what on earth is that?

For me, I associate this word morality with my quote fatal attraction unquote to a married man. I have not done anything immoral in my life, but maybe that is not how the people surrounding me viewed it then. Thus for me Morality Police are like UP Professors who would incessantly look out for me and I comically envision them trying to decipher what am I imagining at the moment.

Anyway, this Iran business is getting to be really quite infectious. I wish I could learn more about this country, with or without the "consent" of my boyfriend. Besides, it is not as if I'm going to undergo a sex change operation to make a big deal out of it. I just want to be safe and no suicide bombers showing up on my flights without 30 day notice, please.

Currently listening to: I never thought that I could love
Currently reading: PS I love u
Currently watching: Transexuals in Iran
Currently feeling: rejuvenated

shizukuxp

Can't believe it's almost been a year since that memorable day.

The day when he came to my life and changed my everything.

I still love him. I can't live in the past though. I have to move forward, whether it means with or without him. If I really want him to be part of my future then I should do nothing but my best for it to happen.

As Fidel Castro said, "TODAY'S DREAMS ARE TOMORROW'S REALITIES!"

Currently listening to: JPod
Currently reading: ECM using Edwards
Currently feeling: dorky