shizukuxp

このところ、人生はメチャメチャ困ってるね。何もついてなんか、分らん！本当にワカラン！

愛しい人は変わった、そして別れるのは送られなくちゃいけないかもね。しかし、まだ恋人は来ないよ、会えるほど一番大切なものです。全部のこと直したい。。

どうする？誰かに教えてよ。神様、助けて！

sorry for lack of updates. i'm now in 上海！待てる、待てる。。 

Currently listening to: ソフィア
Currently feeling: depressed

shizukuxp

i have so many things to say, so many stories to tell, experiences to relate, and lessons to share, but it seems like words have completely escaped me.

where am i? that's the holy question. some are pondering the answer but even I, myself is clueless. The truth is I don't know. I haven't the slightest idea of what has happened to me nor what's gonna happen soon.

they say that mystery is often good to pump up the excitement and healthy for the soul as well, however, what has transpired recently has probably exceeded mankind's tolerable level for handling the emotion. in my case, time breezed by without heed to my well-being, it's like a sudden downpour of meteors from the sky or an irreversible incantation of the supernatural.

the saddest part however is my feelings of regret on certain decisions i have courageously made in the past. i was "baka" i think!!  

Currently feeling: morose

shizukuxp

I never thought that the day would come when I would be taking those silly online quizzes that determines what career is the most suitable for u? But I'm afraid I just did...

A lot of things happened the last few months and they really put me into deep realizations about what I'm actually doing with my life. In fact, it was my boyfriend who said that my life is really a mess and that I don't have any dreams for myself.

I should've been very angry, I guess and slap him in the face, because after all, he's partly the cause of everything. 

Anyway, here are some facts:

1) It was my former professor who inspired me to get a PhD because I thought that teaching is such a cool job which allows me to do nothing and maintain a very youthful face. Of course, teaching pays very low but then I saw how my professor can get grants abroad and then just capitalize on the exchange rate to live a luxurious life in the Philippines.

2) I used to want to be like my former professor. I'm quite lazy most of the time but I'll be willing to work my ass off for some short contracts. But basically, I know I may be as smart as him, and hopefully as charming, so I can get away with playing hookie and just chilling out.

3) Now, I'm not sure if I still want to be like that. I mean, it's very unstable, and maybe he had gotten away from that because he has a G8 citizenship, and that he really came from one of the most influential families in the country. What I mean, is that since I'm coming from a completely different background, I'm not sure if I should even attempt to be like that.

4) I realize that I need more money in my life. Being in the academe' is one of the best jobs for women who are married to someone rich. But with all of the troubles I had with my boyfriend and the seemingly impossible task of getting married, I know that I should start saving real money for myself. I cannot rely on the bread crumbs they give as grant money, they are simply not enough to get by with.

5) I'm starting to enjoy practical stuffs. I know that most mathematicians have superb mental abilities, and it's really a shame if those cannot be put into good use. I'm not necessarily saying that they should sell out their souls and stop the pursuit of knowledge but I believe that the time is ripe enough for the successful researches to be utilize to the practical level. What I'm saying is that mathematicians who sat on their laurels by taking 7 post docs are doing themselves and the world a big disservice. So, why not get out of the comfort zone, take on a totally different challenge, like my life-time idols Rivest, Shamir, and Adleman -- the millionaire inventors of RSA.

6) I'm afraid of becoming too successful that most guys would be too wary to date me. Yeah, feminists would probably want to hang me for saying this, but I'll prefer death penalty anytime over the thought of being single forever. I hope that the day would come when it would be an accepted fact that people are born differently. Some likes being alone, some don't, while some doesn't really have any preferences. And unfortunately, I belong to the extreme category that I absolutely CANNOT live alone. I need to be in a relationship to function as a complete person. Please just accept that. Hence, if being successful would hinder one of my basic needs, then I guess I just have to forego the former.

7) At the end of the day, it still boils down to the fact that I'm not happy in my current situation.

Oh, too much blabber!

Currently listening to: Chinese Pod
Currently reading: Elliptic and Hyperelliptic Curve Crypto
Currently feeling: depressed

shizukuxp

maybe that line is true.. i truly understand him, even if he says otherwise.

i love him so much, that's all i know, and that's how i really feel at the moment. i don't want to let it get ugly, which is now what is happening. i should learn to let go, even for the meantime. i should learn to be more patient in life.

i love him -- i terribly love him, and sometimes i feel he loves me too. Tonight I can write the saddest lines by Paulo Neruda. 

Oh, how I love that Iranian boy who stole my heart. That Iranian boy who kisses like no other. That Iranian boy who owns my body and soul. Oh, Lord, how I love him. And sometimes I KNOW he loves me too.

If I have already lost him, at least I have happy memories with him. I spent days in bliss with my face on his bare chest. I whispered the sweetest good nights to his ear before we sleep. Oh Lord, how I love him, and at least I have loved, for in this world of craziness and perfidy, those days are already considered as great miracles.

でも、諦めたしない。もう少し頑張れ ！

I read this somewhere, "Sometimes you've been in the cliff for so long that u are wondering how it feels like to really fall down." Maybe it's also true for me..  

Currently listening to: CPod
Currently reading: IrisOrpi blog
Currently feeling: broken

shizukuxp

* eto ang isa sa aking technique para ma-relax. susulat ako ng e-mail sa ex-Prof ko pero dahil ayaw ko ng kahit anong communication sa kanya eh ipo-post ko lang sa blog ko. siguro dahil sa tagal rin ng gina-man ko sa lalakeng yun, an nauwi rin lang sa wala, eh nasanay na rin ako. kumbaga nga, wag naman sana mamis-interpret ng US and UK sekyu, pero tila ba na-achieve ko yung tinatawag na jisatsu ba-ma mode. hehe! so, eto nga..

Dear Sir,

Hissashiburi ne! Nasa ireland na ba ako? Mukhang oo! Minsan di ako makapaniwala na anlayo na rin pala ng narating ko. Aaminin ko naman na anlaki rin ng influence mo sa mga naging desisyon ko. Siguro in short, masasabi nating na-market mo saken ang profession mo, kaya yun na rin ang napili ko. Pero, after some time, na-realize ko na kahit pala pilit lang kitang ginagaya eh sarili ko rin palang destiny yun.

Unang-una yung pagpunta ko sa Japan. Siguro kahit di mo pa aminin eh nagduda ka rin kung ayos lang ba na magpunta ako sa Japan eh gayong doon ka yata madalas rumaket for Postdocs. Well, maski naman siguro kung ako ang nasa situation mo ay ganon rin ang iisipin ko. Pero just the same, pinagpilitan ko ang gusto ko at nakuha ko rin naman. Doon sa 2 trips mo sa Japan na nandun ako, I'm sure hindi naging ganon kadali yun for u. Pero, saken, hindi rin naman madali yun.

Well, anyway, kung ano man ang nag-transpire eh sa huli pala, eh parang pi-nave lang ang way saken. Ang masasabi ko honestly, eh na-built talaga ang character ko dun sa mga nangyari sa atin. Kung paano ako ka-resilient ngayon, ay dahil yun sa quote training unquote na nakuha ko sa yo.

Sa maniwala ka't sa hindi, iwi-wish ko na sana quote married na lang unquote lang ang boyfriend ko, kung sana ganon lang kadali ang situation namin.. Dahil sa ngayon, mukhang maski si Lord ay mapapakamot ng ulo sa problema namin.

anhirap-hirap-hirap-hirap-hirap-hirap-hirap!!! parang ibang level na ang mga kalaban dito, feeling ko maski si George Bush at Mahmoud Ahmadinejad ay naka-hadlang sa kaligayahan ko. parang entire Iran history and Philippine history and even Japanese history ay may direct or indirect consequences sa relationship namin. Parang lahat ng mga Mullah sa Iran ay nagdadasal yata ke Allah na paghiwalayin na lang kame. Hindi ko alam kung baket!

sabi niya nga once eh, "maybe this is just God's punishment to u for loving a married guy!" Well, ang masasabi ko lang, eh Lintek, Lord naman, hindi naman yata fair yun.

well, I really love this guy! Right now, we're at the pits. The ship is sinking. I'm at the edge of the cliff. And with all the problems being presented to us, hindi ko kayang mag-isa lang. Hindi na yata niya kaya eh. Kase nga, ako lang yung may quote training unquote na papantay sa mga alagad ni BiIn Ladden.

kung sana na-inlove rin sha ng sobra before, baka hindi sha ganitong pasuko. ewan ko ngayon kung worth it ba talaga yung training ko, eh hindi ko rin pala kayang mag-isa na i-salvage ang relationship ko.

anyway, wala nang point ang sulat na ito. gusto ko lang ma-relax. sobrang down lang ako dahil sa dami ng pinagdadaanan namin.

sge, ingat na lang!

- mG

P.S. Humor trip lang, Once nga pala naitanong ng bf ko saken, "Do u just want to settle for an Iranian guy because u can't get a British Citizen?" Medyo natawa ako, pero ang sagot ko, "Of course not! Even if I could get any British citizen, I would still opt for the Iranian."

Currently listening to: Affirmation
Currently reading: Chat transcripts
Currently feeling: indescribable

shizukuxp

May mukhang middle eastern poging Fafa dito sa lab.

ano naman kayang bansa? basta ang promise ko sa boyfriend ko, "anyone except citizens of israel.."

eh feeling ko after ng US navy bf ko, and iranian bf, kapag nag-Israel ako this time, eh siguro tiyak na mapagkakamalan na akong espiya at baka i-finger print na ng NSA, CIA, or Iranian Mafia.

Naku, kung tiga-Israel ka Fafa, eh talaga nga namang tadhana ko na ang ma-dramang buhay! Lord naman, gusto ko lang umibig ng normal. wag na sana nating i-involve pa si George Bush at ang Hizbollah.

pero, at last, nagawa ko na ngang tanungin -- aba'y kababayan pala nina Padre Damaso.. hahaha .. medyo nawala nga lang ang appeal saken.  

Currently feeling: curious