2006 is relatively a good year for me. i was able to accomplish a lot of things and for many times i was actually happy.

i was able to go the US of A with my 10-yr multiple trip US visa, i travelled to canada as a visiting researcher in the Fields Institute (love saying that!), fell in love with an armenian boy, had a couple of flings and one-nighters (tee hee), started to get notice by the members of the opposite sex because of charming personality, and so on.

also, i think that 2006 would definitely be one of the turning points of my life. just a couple of days ago, i have decided that i'm really moving on and this time, unlike the others, I'M SO OK with it. i figure that i should graduate from this madness that has haunted me for 7 years -- zutto!

i'm really ok with it and right now, i'm making giant strides forward onto my life. i'm ready to face my fate on a different perspective. i have a budget of 1,000,000 yen (roughly $8000) to aid me during my letting go phase. i will pampher myself with all of the material needs and luxuries and if i need to go to Hawaii just to have a week-long vacation, then i will do it. i will quit school in the middle of my thesis if i really needed to forget all residual memories from that person.

that's how serious i am with this project! I need to let go! this is probably my biggest realization of 2006!

and i swear, this time, I'M NOT GOING TO FAIL!!

 New year, new life!

Currently listening to: 5 dipang tao by Barbie lesbian
Currently reading: ���������
Currently feeling: contemplative

I like my new attire. Long sleeves and tie matched with leggins, shorts, and suede boots. Really trendy and guys seem to can't get enough of me.

I think that all of my years of being a teenage dirtbag and fawning over college professors are just part of my history. I'm feeling that I'm being considered as cute, hot, and sometimes kinky by the y-chromosome carrier.

Love my face, finally acne-free, and my shea-buttered skin. Also thanks a lot to collagen, rosehips, hibiscus, and once-a-week scrubbing in the sentou. Quite pricey but no worries, cause it's paying off. I'm getting asked out on dates and sometimes turning down a lot because of my 'hectic' schedule.

Yeah, of all the broken-hearted people in the world, I DESERVED THIS!! I'm just playing and chilling out for a change.

Currently listening to: I remember the boy
Currently feeling: predatory

call it rebound or ego-boosting but lately i've had this fetish over 20-year olds. i think that i really needed this kind of self-flattery after all the hell i've been through. besides, by the law of averages, sooner or later i'm bound to like someone totally younger than 45!

first, there was that russian guy I met from that club in Roponggi, who's my real type at 5'8 with well-formed shoulders. plus, his lips tasted as sweet as "Vanilla," incidentally the name club where we met.

then the John Mayer deadringer boy from the US Navy who seemed to be really into me, and somehow I've agreed to be his girlfriend. it's nice to have someone to hold me during the cold nights and also someone who's happy to see me. 

finally, the Fil-Hawaiian boy whom I regarded as "Romeo 3000!" I mean Romeo B--but improved to the 10th power. He's so gorgeous with that boyish smile and kissable lips. Yeah, i wanted that kid so badly! 

perhaps, this is just a phase but i'm surely loving every moment of being with this fafable kids. it feels like JunniKato all over again, except that these new batch is really much more good-looking!

-mG

Currently listening to: Your body is a wonderland by John Mayer
Currently reading: thesis draft
Currently feeling: enthralled

for the past 7 months, there has been one guy who's been consistently asking me out.

he's algerian, but not black, and honestly the first time i saw him, i thought that he's a gorgeous hunk in the mixed of Adam Sandler and Paulo Constanzo. but after going out with him and some minor chats and party-get-together, it seemed like i really don't dig him that much. 

well, the thing is that he's really, really into me, and no matter how many times i've shoot him down, and told him lies, he's still quite persistent in calling me, e-mailing me, and waiting for me in the cafeteria. i guess, this marks the first time in my life that a someone has pursued me for that long.

the truth is that i'm not quite sure what is the problem with him. my friends are constantly pressuring me to give him a chance since he seemed nice and serious about me. plus, he's good looking, tall, and he's 28 years old, which seemed to be a perfect match for me.

but, despite of all of these stuffs, i cannot get myself to have feelings for the guy. i've tried being nice and dated him once, and he brought me to this Indian restaurant, which is quite cheap considering that we ate like pigs, and that i think is kinda off-kilter for a first date. i mean, i've done more than 50 1st dates in Tokyo, and that one will probably will ranked in the late 40's.

after that, he started to send me sweet text messages during the christmas stretch, you know, with the flower and kisses icons accompanying the 'I missed u' and 'I want to see u.'s. well maybe, that's quite thoughtful but unfortunately, i'm not in high school anymore. i want real flowers and chocolates and stuffed toys, and other material gifts. i may not be Madonna but i certainly wanted to experienced to be impressed by the guy who likes me.

i would like to see surprises, you know go to a fancy restaurant in Omote Sando hills and drink expensive wines and listen to a live violin music. i want to see a bouquet delivered into the door of my room (although, technically, i don't have my own room, so this wish is not feasible as per my own fault).

i know that i'm putting a double standard on him since i'm pretty much a cowboy myself when i'm out with 'suckajerk' or Sergey; but that's only because i'm crazy over those guys, and with mr. algerian here, i'm not so. or, if only he was 19 or 20, then certainly, i'll be more willing to be his girl. but no, he's 28, and 28 for me is no longer a trophy material.

anyway, i wanted to put an end to giving him false hopes. my conscience has been killing me and i don't want to hurt him. well, what can i do?

-mG

Currently listening to: Yakap sa dilim by Orange and Lemons
Currently watching: O.C. 4 My 2 dads
Currently feeling: guilty

maga-alas kwatro na ng umaga. just another day for a South Park marathon. ang galing makaubos ng oras. tapos checking the yahoo and gmail account once every 3 hours.

lame?

hanggang ngayon di pa rin ako nakakapag-isip. tungkol sa buhay ko. di ba, ang daming dapat gawin at wala pa ring nasisimulan.

teka, daanan ko nga muna ulit ang web blog ng kapatid ko. makikiusyoso sa buhay-buhay ng mga tao sa FRIENDSTER. at sasagot sa mga forums ng peyups at yahoo questions.

then wiki and google search--"Effects of collagen on the body", "Diet and Germanium", o "How to shave your pubic hair without itching?"

weak?

may thesis pang kailangang gawin, ni hindi man lang natingnan sa loob ng 3 linggo. dapat nang magdecide kung maghahanap ng trabaho sa Japan after march, pero di pa rin sure.

gustong mag-PhD: sa South Korea, Ireland, o Netherlands--OMG, the land of Marijuana; Life's gonna be so sweet! pero wala pang result. mukhang malabo pero masaya sana.

pero paano naman ang bagong boyfriend from the navy? of course, di naman serious yun, pero first time akong nagkarelasyon sa Japan. awwwk, baka it'll take me another 2 years para makahanap ng SO sa ibang bansa. just one of my fears.

isa pa, masaya na ako sa Tokyo. lalo na rito sa dorm, nandito ang mga friends ko, ang surrogate family ko. masaya mag-clubbing at mag-eat-out sa masasarap na restaurants. walang ganon sa Pinas. isa pa, safe sa Tokyo.. kapag nakaka-depressed, pwedeng maglakad-lakad at magmuni-muni sa kalsada. walang mananakit sa'yo.

sweet?

yung Armenian bf, wala namang dapat i-expect doon. kung soulmate, e di  hayaan na lang natin ang destiny. kung gusto niya talaga, eh sha ang pumunta rito.

sa Pinas eh feeling ko ampanget-panget ko. after 1 month kong stay sa Pinas eh mukha na naman akong manang. dito sa Japan eh alaga sa sentou, malinis ang pagkain, may collagen supply everywhere, malinis ang hangin.

pwede pang mag-ski sa winter. well, kung ski ang hanap, bat hindi i-try ang Canada. after 4 years, hindi lang doctorate ang makukuha, meron pang citizenship. ba't kaya bigla akong tinamad sa Canada prospect?

confused?

ica-cancel na ang O.C. sa Feb. sa totoo lang, nagiging draggy ang istorya.  di na ako ganong nage-enjoy sa panonood. kanina, habang tinatapos ko ang isang episode eh naglalaro ako ng baseball game sa mobile phone.

maganda pala ang DOCOMO. mukhang dito na ako mag-stick.  yeah, sa suchajerk until umalis ako ng Japan.  ano sa tingin nyo? mag-submit  ba ako ng CV ke Cristal o hindi? mukhang maganda ang compensation sa company niya, at parang challenging ang trabaho. hindi IT at hindi rin English teaching, kakaiba, at Americans ang kliyente. which is good, kase ma-appeal ako sa mga Caucasian. it's probably my height.

paano ba mambasted ng lalake? naaawa na ako doon sa algerian. ang dense. di ko na nga sinasagot ang mail pero tuloy pa rin. oh well, it's just my charm. 

tired?

well, inaantok na ako. hanggang dito na lang. logging off.

-mG

 

Currently listening to: Bridge over troubled waters
Currently reading: Archives
Currently watching: SP Jakov episode
Currently feeling: a whole gamut of moods

これまでそんなことは初めて日本に私の存在である。本当に嬉しいよ！彼は米国海軍者で、かっこいだし、二十歳だけです。

しかし、この関係は深刻ではあるとおもう。今に限り、漆を残す前で、それだけです。

Currently listening to: In State by Katleen Edwards
Currently feeling: awake

Score points, 11 is a prime,

Assist to someone ,

Steal someone's ,

Block - bust it ,

Rebound, Rebound, Rebound..

and then

Turnover, my ball

Currently listening to: Good Riddance
Currently reading: my thesis

today is the deadline of the first official draft to be submitted to the office in the 2nd floor. come in as a helluva of a surprise after my long hiatus during the break -- is that redundant? well, anyway i got so stressed out when they rushed me to submit some bounded copy.

the paper is still in very raw form. just a bunch of words strung together hoping to form some appeal to the reader.

also, i figure, the thesis abstract should read like:

"This paper aims to CONFUSED the reader's understanding of ECM. We give some parametrization of elliptic curves which makes the whole algorithm doomed for failure. We also introduced notions such as "batting averages " which are cheesy and technically incorrect. Finally, we implement the algorithm on MAGMA, and our implementation is 10 times slower than the built-in function."

Oh wow! This is what i did in Japan!

After more than a month of figuring out what in heaven's name is wrong with my ECM code in MAGMA, I finally discovered a formula mistake so minor i didn't even ponder on it before.

yeha, finally it's working although not yet optimized! but praise the LORD!

P.S. I applied for a winter school in Arizona this coming March. still wondering what to do after graduation. it's quite tempting to go to boracay with ruby but i don't want to spend so much money.

i need a temporary job. God! I wanted to get accepted in Ireland or Netherlands--sweet!

Currently listening to: to silence
Currently reading: ECM code on MAGMA
Currently feeling: grateful

it's officially over .. i ggguess! really, something happened to me when new year came. a sense of veneration. all signs point to one thing. at first i wasn't aware and cannot be convinced. it all sounded so doubtful.

but after 2 weeks, i know --

"It's something unpredictable but in the end it's right

I hope you had the time of your life!"  

there's no sanctified moment, it's just like それは突然怪しいように。最後のさようなら先生、お元気ですか？さって、元気かどうか構いません。　もう、平気だよう。

Currently listening to: Good riddance cover in YouTube
Currently reading: Stephen King's IT
Currently watching: Good riddance cover in YouTube
Currently feeling: accomplished

masarap manood ng mga home-made music videos sa Utube. maraming talented people sa mundo. minsan mas magaling pa sila sa kino-cover nilang artists. for example, try this dude, he will give Billy Joe a run for his money:

 

and another one: (Note, this guy is also yummy)

 

i tried my own version but since i'm really not a guitar player, it sounds amateurish. pero in fairness, abover average naman ang voice quality ko. tulad nito para kang nakikinig ng pasyon:

 

sinubukan ko ngang i-tune yung gitara ko. nag-search ako sa google ng step-by-step instruction of tuning your guitar. ewan ko ba, hindi ako maka-distinguish ng pagkakaiba ng mga nota. laging flat ang B at G string ko.

ayun, kaka-ganbatte ko eh naputol ang higher E string ko.  wish ko sana matutong mag-tono ng gitara at ma-improve ang overall skill ko para naman mai-post ko rin sa youtube ang sarili kong version.

Currently listening to: Be like that by 3 doors down
Currently reading: Stephen King's IT

ambagal ng programs ko. nakakainip mag-antay. parang baliw sa harap ng computer. walang magawa.

mahirap mag-factor ng integers!  

bad trip, still can't encash my bank draft!

Currently listening to: none
Currently reading: None
Currently watching: none
Currently feeling: infuriated

are packed? not yet. pero malapit na. nararamdaman ko na. eto na, eto na.. ha, ha.. (tune of APO)

good bye keio rapid line -- the world's slowest, 'Rapid.' kanina binilang ko kung ilang araw na lang ang natitirang ipapasok ko. after feb, siguro less than 18 days na lang. yahoo!

pero ano naman kaya ang gagawin ko sa Pinas? meron nga ba? call center: parang gusto kong patusin. sana, makapag-work ako sa Hawaii. pero better yet, matanggap sa kahit isang inapplayan ko. sa ngayon, ganito ang nakikita kong chances:

Korea : 50% - well, sabi ng Prof, I have a very good chance and kailangan talaga nila ng students. anyway, shempre i wanna be cynical.

Ireland: 20% - sabi ng Prof, eh of course I'm welcome to do my PhD there. pero baka naman kase auto-reply lang yun sa lahat ng nag-aaply. isa pa, andami kong friends from summer school ay nag-aaply rin doon. malaki kase ang grant money kaya expect na nating competitive.

Canada: 5% - di pa ko naga-apply at alam kong sobrang hirap. ayoko nga sanang gumastos pa pero naalala ko motto namin sa summer school: "20 years from now, you're gonna regret the things that you didn't do, rather than the mistakes you've done." kaya, sige go na lang.  

Netherlands: 1% - well, inaamin ko, the main reason bat gusto ko sa bansang ito ay dahil sa marijuana. pero shempre maganda rin ang grant offer. kaya, go pa rin kahit virtually impossible.

Assuming some paradoxical calculations, the probability na makakapag--PhD ako this year is 76%. Not bad, di ba? so help me God!

-mG 

 

Currently listening to: Christmas time
Currently reading: Montgomery's PRAC algo
Currently feeling: enthralled

i've been hitting the gym thrice a week. moreover, a 2-hour game of badminton during saturdays. i wanted to lose weight badly and trim my awful love handles.

to make matters worse, i'm currently swamped with application matters and my prof's been requesting me to come more often to the lab than the usual 3-times-a-week schedule. also, i have to continuously check and run my MAGMA programs.

really, really tired and what a shame cause i wasn't allowed to go to the Winter School in Arizona thereby losing my chance for a Las Vegas vacation on march. badly needed one right now.

but anyway, the main topic of this blog is my current conviction to finally settle down. i swear that if ever i become successful to any of the schools that i'm applying then i would do my best to settle there for a longer period of time. i don't want to file another application (and beg for recommendation forms) for the next 5 years.

ok, this is a new embargo!

 

Currently listening to: To be with you
Currently reading: application form
Currently watching: La Visa Loca (great movie!)
Currently feeling: exhausted

tanong lang, tanong.. tutal allowed naman siguro tayo ng isang tanong sa buhay natin..

minsan ako'y naglakad-lakad. bihira lang magkaroon ng +10 degrees kapag winter sa Tokyo kaya samantalahin na time for sanpou. tumingin ako ng dorm sa sendagaya at pagkatapos, sinulit ko ang napulot kong suica-teiki kaya naghanap ng JR Chuo. maya-maya'y nasa Sophia na naman ako nang di ko namamalayan.

pero ayos lang naman kase wala naman akong pinupuntahang tao at it's a free world naman. nakarating ako sa apparel shop ng Daigaku. matagal ko nang gustong bumili ng sweater at dahil mahigit 1man ang dala ko ay naisipan kong i-try yung black na may grey patch. less than 3sen lang. tapos isang pink shirt na may neon pink logo. nagustuhan ko at tuwang-tuwa akong umuwi.

excited ako sa binili ko kaya sinuot ko agad sa badminton game. nakaka-gana pala kapag Sophia Daigaku ang uniform ko. feeling kakkoi. then nag-inuman, pinalitan ko yung t-shirt ko pero suot ko pa rin ang sweater. cute kase.

tapos, kinailangan kong magpapansin ke Alfred, hamon ng barkada ko. si alfred ang gwapong-gwapong koreano sa dorm. at gwapo talaga, yun bang tipong nung magsabog ang Diyos ng kagwapuhan ay nagbaon yata ng batya. pero anyway, challenge talaga kaya naghubad ako ng sweater para magpakita ng pwedeng ipakita.. hindi umepekto ke Alfred.

pagbalik ko eh suot na ni Dencio yung Sophia sweater ko. inaarbor. ayaw nang hubarin. sabi ko, trade kame, yung mamahalin niyang GAP na jacket. mahigit 8sen ang presyo nun kaya parang good deal. kaso, mabaho ang amoy, parang di nalabahan ng isang buwan. atsaka, panglalake ang design, di ko naman maisu-suot.

kinabukasan, inuwi na ni Dencio ang sweater ko. sabi niya, bilhan ko raw sha ng kulay grey na may maroon patch, at babayaran niya. tapos bibigyan niya pa ako ng isa pang sweater. lintek na yun, di ako makatanggi. Lord, babae lang talaga ako.

nung Friday, nag-text ang Dencio. ginising pa ako sa pagkakatulog ko. pucha nakalimutan kong bilhan sha ng Sophia Grey Sweater. kaya naman, di na ako naligo at kumaripas papuntang Yotsuya. nag-withdraw pa talaga ako kase wala akong pera that time. shempre gastos pa ako sa pamasahe kase ubos na pala yung suica na napulot ko.

come saturday badminton sched, etong si Dencio may ka-date pala. di nagpunta ng Soshi. nag-text bukas na lang daw. lintek na yun. pambibili ko sana ng teiki at isa pa wala na akong sweater na maisuot. eh winter pa naman, nagkakasakit na ako.

nag-ym kame, inaway ko sha. sinabihan ko ng JERK, JERK, JERK, mahigit 3 beses. kakaasar kase. pero shempre lumabas ako pa ang masama. malabo raw akong kausap. babae lang talaga ako, Lord, patawarin nyo ako.

so, ang tanong, Lord, baket ba ako weird? ay tama bang tanong yun? di ko rin alam. naglalabas lang ng sama nang loob.

Currently listening to: Obvious by WL
Currently reading: Waterloo application guide
Currently watching: Boulevard of Broken Dreams cover

still hooked on YouTube and stumbled on some stuffs from the memory lane. like, Busted's "That's what I go to school for," Pointbreak's "Freakytime," and LiveOnRelease's "I'm afraid of Britney Spears."

yup, I was very much virginal during those days. but the real goldmine I dug was from Billy Gilman, the boy with the golden voice. he's grown up to 8 octaves lower right now, but seven-eight years ago, this is how he sounded. warning: this video will put tears in your eyes!

Currently listening to: Billy Gilman's songs
Currently watching: Oklahoma vid, One Voice
Currently feeling: good

今日は修士論文の発表ですよ。昨晩は寝ない、飲みすぎだから。それもルビは試験があるので、六時に起きた。本当に眠くて、ふらふらする。

とにかく、「死んでいるときが、 私寝られる、」　若者の有名な格言。

取り合え明日、自分で遊ぶつもりです。

Currently listening to: 田中と西本さんと話
Currently reading: lyrics of Oklahoma
Currently feeling: nauseated

I went to a personal retreat for 2 nights and 2 days. I cut off 90% of my communication from the outside world. I seek for peace of mind and my own private space. I wanted to rediscover myself and my dreams. Moreover, I'm also in dire need of rest after my grueling schedules.

Now, I think I became a better person, and so the 20,000 yen of expenses may have been worth it. Plus, I have 2 poems as output of my flowing juices.

If I were a writer

(written in Onshi-Hakone Park, 19-1-31: 15:11) 

If I were a writer then maybe I would write lines

    and tears could fall

I would look at snapshots

    and paint pictures on wonderwalls

I would climb mountains

    and new legends will be born

I would voyage oceans

    and share the emptiness and forlorn

I would start a new life

    and hope for some good fortune

I would fall in love

    and sing romantic tunes

I might be heartbroken

    be filled with grief and misery

But I'm not a writer

    only a shadow of what I want to be

 

I wonder next

(started in Owakudani eki. finished in Odawara eki, 19-1-31)

 

The roads are slippery, wheels struggled for heed

    One snowdrop and I wonder next

        Touches my soul, and engorging need

A mountain beams it's pristine beauty

   Virgin and unadultered, then I wonder next

      When I will be leaving the city

Calm as the water, cold as the steel

   Eyes piercing the silence as I wonder next

      If only looks can kill

The forest, the wild offered solace

   To escape, still I wonder next

      The truth that I have to realize

Miles I have travelled for a single quest

    The spirit is frail, so I wonder next

        An odyssey from east to west

Bridges inside tunnels, burning with desire

   My eyes are blinded for I wonder next

       On the temptation to play with fire

Never once have I confronted my demons

   Whence I came from, to wonder next

      About the subtleties and the undertones..

 

 

 I have penned another one, but I haven't finished retouching it. So, I will reserve it for my next entry.

-mG 

 

 

Currently listening to: me typing
Currently reading: my own poems
Currently feeling: appeased