season 4 of the O.C. features Summer Roberts drastic change of lifestyle in Brown University. from being a classy and eloquent, soap-opera loving teeny-bopper, she was suddenly transformed into a filthy, non-hygienic and non-shaving activist, if there ever were such adjectives. i know that it appears quite annoying to most fans, but for me, i think that it's quite cute.

well, anyway i've been living like a refugee for the past 2 months, and just for the record i have inhabited more than 5 different places for the time being. from my cousin's flat, to sakura house, to the lobby in my college, to my luxurious hostel in Toronto, before finally deciding to settle in my kouhai's room. i know that i'm being quite of a jamma but for the meantime, while i haven't fully recovered from my terrible financial loses, i guess i have no other choice.

besides, come winter vacation, i have arranged to stay in the room of 2 other kouhais. well, 3 weeks of my own room is the greatest gift i could ever think of.

looking at my despondent situation, i cannot help but be disgusted with the shortcomings of my university in providing me a place to live in. well, i admit that it's my sole responsibility to take care of my own finances and use my scholarship to afford my own daily living. but on the other hand, i really can't blame myself since i have spent so much money with my US summer school and inviting my father to come to visit me last August. And to make matters worse, i know that i will only stay in Japan until March and so I really cannot afford to pay ridiculously-impractical Japanese housing fees.

in fact, i have twice resquested to be accommodated to the international house just for short period of time while i'm doing my research paper, but  twice i have been rejected. they gave a lot of reasons why my request is impossible, some are just logical, some are quite devoid of human compassion. in fact, i have even used the excuse that i cannot receive the return flight ticket from monbusho if i cannot provide my own home address. at the end of the day, i realized that it's a losing battle to urge them more.

well, because of this i swore that i'll will attend my graduation ceremonies on march. i have never felt like a student in this university. not only that i failed to learn on the academic aspect, but also i have been an outcast from the beginning.

sucks to this school!! THIS IS MY ACTIVISM!

-mG 

 

Currently listening to: sore wa totsuzen, arashi no you ni
Currently reading: MAGMA MANUAL
Currently feeling: angry

I've been working on this subject for as long as I can remember or at least ever since I come to accept being a refugee in a first-world-country, but the era before that has long been eradicated by some memory charms.

Something is weird with MAGMA; in all due honesty, I'm beginning to get pissed. I've just finished translating my codes from PYTHON (which was not very difficult) but it seems like I can't get it to run properly. Weirdness!!

Besides, +300 lines of codes and nested functions may have caused it's abnormality. It's also impossible to debug as I get error message on some loads but becomes ok on the nest! I'm pretty pissed off.

Well, the other program on finding parameters is working but the results are stupid. DangIt!

 

-mG 

Currently listening to: Barenaked
Currently reading: 'IT' by S.K

to begin with, there's really nothing curious as far as i'm concerned. perhaps, am just longing to post words and words with the slightest degree of coherence. nothing's special, nothing's happening, lately.

happy? how many times have i heard that question and moreover how many billion times has it been a theme of our random musings. the eternal cliche! i guess, the world is too much obsessed with being happy, too much caught up with the idea that it's of utmost importance.

i got this from some horror book: ".. had no sense of being lonely because had never been anything but."

in my 23 years of existence, i have never even thought of that, i confessed. how unimaginative can a person get? it seems that sometimes imagination can outweigh the reality.

it just crossed my mind to think about the times with serogja. don't wanna call him my ex, cause that is an insult to destiny. i think that i believe in soulmates, and if so then i think that i would want to believe that he is my such. and for that i don't really need to see him again, right?

this year has been fairly lucky for me, yet luck seemed to play a very little role. more of a Darko Milicic, "my time will come" slogan, and actually mine did came.

just one thing missing.. just one.. i don't have much time left.. or so i always worry.. we shall overcome--what should be the theme song for women trying to let go. :laughs:

-mG 

Currently listening to: Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson
Currently reading: The Curious Incident of a dog in the night time by Mark Haddon
Currently watching: South Park 1013
Currently feeling: quixotic

lately i'm extremely happy.. quite extreme which is QUITE uncommon.. just visited YouTube and search old melodies.. from 6 years ago.. remember the mini-guitar and the anthem.. the overcoat for the affluent.. clean cut homeboys and cheesy.. i wonder next..

is it really possible.. the blog's title will be altered if so.. then blissful emotions.. never meant to exxagerate.. is that a double x--are we growing so incompetent on spellings? i wonder next..

mark.. brian.. go figure.. i wonder next..

Currently listening to: Give Love on Christmas Day
Currently reading: 楕円曲線の本
Currently feeling: chipper

why is he acting so strange lately? and towards me? is it because of sheer intoxication from alcohol or is it coming from urges deep down in his subconscious? somehow he's treating me differently and it's kinda freaking me out.

but what's really crazy is that he's shown that he can really hurt me physically? that's  the first time ever in my life that a guy did that to me. and the feeling is really weird and i felt myself blushing cause somehow i like what he's doing, well at least subconsciously, i was thriving to love the pain.

is that S&M? i fear it might be.  but GOD knows that my mind blank out and i fell on my knees. i begged him to stop but he continued and i almost cried.

right now, i'm still feeling the soreness. it seems like he's done permanent damage on my body!

is that a jerk like you, huh pi...? 

Currently listening to: Tomorrow never knows by Mr Children
Currently reading: Yahoo finance
Currently watching: Waterboys
Currently feeling: hurting

Possibilities are.. 

endless -- they seem. but christmas is just around the corner, and worse the 7th straight year of loneliness is foreboding! the lyric is getting old and i'm growing desperate. this year won't be any different.

"My idea of a perfect Christmas Is to spend it with you

In a party or dinner for two Anywhere would do..."

7 years, 7 years .. am I such a bad person? No you're not bad, you are normal!! :chuckles: who said that? peace on earth and goodwill to mankind.

bleep bleep is so gay!! 99% :more chuckles: but in any case he'll still be here to cheer me up just like last year. when i'm feeling down, at least there is someone i can turn to.. no love no lust-- just gayness!!

-mG 

P.S. "I can't think of a better Christmas than my wish coming true.

And my wish is that you let me spend. A whole night with you!" ����

 

Currently listening to: Perfect Christmas
Currently watching: You Tube

i only have 1 christmas wish which actually is NOT just for christmas but everything which i'm wishing for every day of my lame physical existence in this world. but anyway, i don't want to delve into that right now. i'm just waiting for the MAGMA results to turn up and my head is spinning like crazy.

this is more of a materialistic (and feasible) list:

1.  IPOD Nano - I gave my siblings one for their joint-bday and my kouhai an IPOD shuffle, when I don't even have an MP3 player myself. I am so Mother Theressa!!

2.  Digicam - I lost my hi-end Sony Digicam on some unfortunate skiing tour last winter and while I bought a cheap mitation machine for 15,000 yen for spring, I have never taken a decent photo in months. By the way, I gave the digicam I won from some Bingo raffle to my father. I am so Mother Theressa!!

3. Plane ticket to Hawaii - I'm getting tired of the cold winter nights. I should have opt to go back home but airplane tickets are so expensive during the holidays. Besides, I'm so pre-occupied with my thesis lately. But definitely, I won't pass up the chance of going to Hawaii!

4. All Star Chucks - the one i'm wearing is getting dirty and the soles are getting thinner even if i have only worn them for 6 months. everytime i pass an ABC store, i can't get my eyes off the new high-cut, green-batique design. i think it matches my grunge look perfectly!

5. Guess bag like Ruby's - I've been borrowing hers for the past couple of weeks and I absolutely love it. It's sleek, flexible, with the not-so-girlish-but-trendy appeal.

-mG

 

Currently listening to: Sora mo toberu hazu by Spitz
Currently reading: Program on MAGMA
Currently feeling: flirty

i'm tired... i'm tired... and i'm

tired! i have slept a total of 6 hours for the past 2 days. last night i have been up all night typing my report on ECPP. in between, i'm doing hundreds of lines of codes on MAGMA. still can't get it right.

[Hilbert Class Poly] must be a taboo phrase synonymous to [F**k], [A**H**E]. they make me sick.

but i love primes. what? i'm really tired!  

Currently reading: Laramie music
Currently feeling: sleepy

o sige na,　broken-hearted na kung broken-hearted.　 for the 2nd straight christmas. ang galing talaga--pero pucha, nanadya! tang-*** sobra na'to pare! nakakababae ka na niyan.

alam nyo, sobrang sakit. yun bang tipong ayoko nang magising sa pagtulog ko, kase sa tuwing mangyayari yun eh naalala ko lang ang sakit. parang hinugot ang puso mo mula sa iyong lalamunan at pinaglalamas nang walang awa.

paano nila sasabihing hindi ko dapat ito isipin at mas marami pang mas mahahalagang bagay sa mundo? gayong kapag hindi ito ang iniisip ko ay nawawalan ako ng purpose sa buhay. sa totoo lang! sa tuwing nangyayari ito ay nararamdaman ko na wala na akong paki-alam sa lahat. yun bang kahit bigla na lang akong mamatay sa mismong sandaling yoon ay handa na ako.

akala kase nila ay hindi talaga ako nasasaktan! akala nila porket may pera ka at may mga nagkakasayahan sa paligid mo ay ayos na iyon. hindi nyo naiintindihan kung gaano kasakit. babae lang ako--nasasaktan rin!

sa ngayon iniisip ko nga na mag-quit na lang sa school at this instant. hindi ko naman talaga kailangan ng degree na yan. atsaka wala na akong naiisip na ibang paraan kung paano ba ako makakaganti sa kanya. gusto ko rin siyang masaktan pero wala akong way. gusto kong malaman niya na sobra na niya akong nasaktan. lintek sha!

gusto kong maramdaman niya kahit 10% lang ng sakit na ginawa niya saken. gusto ko siyang sapakin physically. gusto ko siyang mapahiya kase ilang ulit na niya akong pinahiya. hayop sha!

babae lang ako--nasasaktan rin! hindi porket di tanggap ng society ang mga kaisipan ko ay wala na akong karapatang masaktan.

kahit kabit ka pa eh babae ka pa rin! dapat naiintindihan siguro yan ng mga feminist groups. wag silang magpakaipokrito!!

 

 

Currently listening to: Fragile Heart by Jewel
Currently reading: IT by Stephen King
Currently feeling: hurt

i did something horrible today.

i know that i've been trying to violate every possible rule in Japan and get away with it, but today's actions crossed the line. as much as i can, i do cheat on my train tickets, paying only the minimum fare and going out with my teiki, and the hand-to-butt-exit technique that dennis taught me. i also ran away from 2 cellphone companies without paying the cancellation fee, in particular more than a hundred thousand debt from Softbank. moreover, i have never paid my health insurance and still avail of the discount by going to a different clinic each time.

but today .. is a different story. i didn't take any money from huge companies, conglomerates, or the Japanese government. i did something pretty awful to an innocent individual.

i've been pretty pissed for the past few days since the unfortunate christmas incident. and since then i have never felt doing anything righteous since i cannot seem to fathom how God can justify my fate. and to think that i even went to the church for that day.

what i didn't think is that i can ever do something like this. it's clearly below the belt and my conscience is killing me right now.

nevertheless, i still want to exalt revenge to that person. and since i have no way of doing so, that's why i look at Japan-rule violation as a very good outlet. besides, since nothing good came out of doing rightful stuffs, then perhaps wrongdoings won't hurt me either.

i have only 1 wish God-- and once again, you let me down!!!  

Currently listening to: Take a bow by Madonna
Currently reading: DOCOMO manula
Currently watching: Joey Season 2
Currently feeling: guilty

i got a new email ad. and how appropriate it is!!

i know that i have penned that lovely poem "Sometimes," and although it's true to down to the last apostrophe, i just cannot allow myself on this craziness. i want to give-up on the hope that we can ever be friends, cause really, no matter how i difficult it would be, i just don't deserve any of these stuffs.

he's a good-for-nothing jerk-- but you know me. I'm always forgetting and tempted by (Number Theory-related) matters (sic) that i wish that i could always look at these pictures and remind me of the shit that he's put me into.

 

- this spaghetti took us 3 hours to prepare. dennis shouldered most of the expenses. he's the one who took care of the presentation and washing the cooking utensils. plus, we certainly did infuriate someone else because we spent most of the time cooking in the dorm's main kitchen while she was left behind. i know that he wanted this to be special because i said that it's the only thing that can make me happy for christmas.

-i was touched by dennis'. but all of our hardwork went for naught when . you know ... the worst christmas happened!

-Now look at me 3 days after. i still have that tender scrape on my knee. also, noticed that hideous bruise on the lower portion. those my friends, are what i received when i overdrunk myself and can't get the proper balance on my legs to take me to wherever he is and punch him in the face. since i'm taking collagen supplement everyday, i might be able to save myself from having a nasty scar. which unfortunately may also mean that i will forget about this incident. i cannot allow that to happen and so that's why i posted the picture here.

F*del is such a jerk! just deal with that girl!!!

 

 

Currently listening to: Stand by me
Currently reading: no interest
Currently feeling: naughty

when i woke up today, i didn't have any expectations. i wasn't thinking of anything and obviously i am in no mood to factor integers or do any progress on my thesis.

i'm still clearly depressed and i feel that i'm just physically alive but emotionally dead. just like yesterday, i didn't have the energy to shower or wear clean clothes. but for this day, i dragged my ass to school just to deal with concrete problems on the International Student's office. they've been calling me like crazy for the past few days and so i have to switched mobile phone companies to get rid of their pesky calls.

for this day, i thought that i should face them and iron out stuffs regarding my lack of valid address in Japan and about my flight back home. to my dismay, i forget that Dec 29 is already a holiday and so the office is closed.

i went to the lab instead and face my professor. i just thought that i will try to edit some parts of my paper and run the [crappy] program for a couple of times before i call it a day.

while waiting for the ECM program to fail (cause i know that it will), i decided to check my inbox and to my surprised i saw another mail from Serogja. this was the 3rd straight time he's written me in less than a week.

he told me that he misses me so much and that he wants to get back together. he said that since he is also looking forward to pursue his PhD then it would be nice if we can go to the same school. that has been one of my fantasies ever since i met him but i am aware that it's almost impossible to control.

but for what it's worth, suddenly i found myself putting more effort to search for that bug on my program and also i was able to add a new section on my paper.

it's too early to tell and i have no intentions of answering his mail. perhaps, i don't like him that much anymore, and the cold winter nights have eradicated my summer06 memories. but for what it's worth, at least i have found one reason to finish my degree and even continue searching for possibilities abroad.

he's really a special guy and even if i'm not sure i still have feelings for him or not, at least i know that he's someone who's very interesting. he's one of the few people i have known who's not a loser and also very good looking.

yeah, but his english sucks big time!

-mG 

 

 

 

Currently listening to: If I Ain't Got You by Alicia Keys
Currently reading: Speeding the Pollard and ECM of Factorization
Currently feeling: calm

now, i wept

  for my greatest fear is true

as cold as ever, you

  have never loved me

at all

  and no matter how i cry,

or let the bitterness takes over

  every moment is wasted

and every such is a mistake

  whence been from the start

now, i repent

  the times when you were the only

person i cared for

  when you were the only

reason why i'm holding on

  you are the sky for me

the dream that i want to be

  the joy that sets me free   

but then again, i was only

  wrong...

now, i pray

  for no other than that

i can do

  my heart weeps and my soul regrets

but for me, i have only my prayers

  and for that a single wish

to forgive and forget 

  everything and your mere existence

Seven years is long enough
  and tomorrow is just another day!　
 

 

Currently listening to: Against all odds by Phil Collins
Currently watching: SP EP 1009
Currently feeling: indescribable

さようなら大好きな人、さようなら大好きな人
まだ大好きな人、　悔しいよ　とても
悲しいよとても、もうかえってこない
それでも私の大好きな人
何もかも忘れられない、何もかも捨てきれない
こんな自分がみじめで、弱くてかわいそうで大嫌い
さようなら大好きな人、さようなら大好きな人
ずっと　大好きな人 、ずっと　ずっと　大好きな人
泣かないよ今は、泣かないでいまは
心はなれてゆく、それでも私の大好きな人
最後だと言いきかせて、最後まで言いきかせて
涙よ、止まれ　　最後に笑顔を覚えておくため
さようなら大好きな人、さようなら大好きな人
ずっと　　大好きな人
ずっと　ずっと　大好きな人
ずっと　ずっと　ずっと　大好きな人

　I hope this is the last goodbye! 

Currently listening to: さようなら大好きな人
Currently feeling: rushed