lately, i've been feeling stressed out by keeping my friends and everyone else happy. i have to do this, i have to do that, just so i would please them. i came to canada with a lot of goals to accomplish and it seems like i really can't get them done.

when i went to the summer school in the US, brian told me that i should look for a possibility of a PhD in another country. well of course i did gain plenty of experiences in the US but i failed to find anyone who would be willing to take me as his phd student. well ok, i had correspondences with silverman and blah, blah, but that doesn't mean that i get accepted in Brown.

and then when i got back to japan, brian asked me why i wasn't able to find a professor. well, heck, i don't know. it's really not that easy.

now, i came to canada with a similar mission but with fewer bullets on my gun. i think that i'm not anywhere near accomplishing that mission. every single second makes it more difficult for me. i tried listening to the lectures and sometimes even if i fully understand what they are talking about, they are still very difficult to talk to afterwards. well, perhaps i'm still "nakakailang" or so... but what can i do?

i just wanted to cry and sulk on soliloguy and just cherish my own room. everything sucks! when i try to be friendly, my actions are mistaken for malicious content. when i try to be alone, i get blamed for being anti-social. i don't know what to do anymore!!

i wish that i never met that brian cause he's the one who started all of these crazy nonesense about me!! well maybe just maybe it's just a sign that i'm really not for this field. perhaps this is the final axe that broke the horse's back. i think i'm just gonna be a normal human being from now on!

the hell!

 -mG

Currently listening to: nothing
Currently feeling: nauseated

alam nyo ba kani-kanina lang ay nag-message ako ke Dennis--nanghingi ako ng recommendation letter para sa scholarship sa 2007! hindi ako makapaniwala; anong era na ba tayo? parang umikot na ang mundo!

opo, ke dennis!! dennis as in romeo dennis!!

at academic recommendation letter. opo! sa tingin ko kase siya na ang pinaka-qualified na mag-recommend sa akin sa scholarship na iyon. I.T. related kase at dahil ayoko munang ipaalam sa kahit sa mga Math people eh no choice na ako.

hirap ang sitwasyon ko. chakkers kase yung University at saka may desisyon akong malaki! tatanggihan ko ang possibility ng extension of scholarship ng Monbusho para sa IT scholarship na ito. ka-tangahan na nga kung siguro pero ito na lang ang naisip ko para maka-move on na talaga.

feeling ko magiging masaya na ako rito. promise!

kaya sana ayusin ni Dennis!

-mG 

 

 

 

Currently listening to: Maling Akala by Eraser

I'd rather be famous than happy. Cause happiness is just a state of mind and a great cliche', while fame is less abstract. I can be happy when people feels that way about me.

Currently reading: elliptic curves

My favorite places in the world are California and Tokyo (it's a tie), <b>2.5 is This is Laramie, WY! </b> 3rd is Dublin, 4th Lithuania, 5th Taipei, 6th Florida, 7th Puerto Rico, 8th Seoul, 9th Barcelona, 10th Argentina (but only because of Manu), 11th Milan, 12th Paris, 13th Cuba (damn!) A weird mix, you would say but I'll die happily if ever I get the chance to visit each one of them. Canada and Singapore round down the list although I'm not really dying to go there. i've been to Saigon, Bangkok, and Shanghai -- mama!

Currently listening to: Blue Jeans
Currently reading: EC
Currently feeling: working

Daniel is travelling tonight on a plane

I can see the red tail lights..

 
i really got flustered up over my recent conversation with fidel. if he can do those kinds of stuffs to me before then i hope he realizes that he should treat me differently right now. i cannot let anyone treat me that way no matter who they are or how they important they might figure out in my life. what's the use of having a phd if i cannot have any self-respect?

2 years ago i've done the same thing to dennis. i asserted to him that even if he cannot have any feelings for me, he should always respect me. i cannot tolerate anyone, any guy for that matter!

anyway, i have made a very bold decision today. i told my sensei that i'm rejecting his offer to continue my phd in this university. the possibility with electro-communications and rikkyo is going down the drain, and so he presented me with just 2 choices. stay or go home!

after a lot of considerations, i preferred the latter.

i've thought about the money, the ease of just continuing instead of searching for another option, my desire to get a doctorate, the quality of research that i can finish here, the prestige of this university, the way other professors and students sees me after being the most delinquent student, as well as the fact that i have to deal with fidel and dennis forever. and after careful evaluation and weighing the pros and cons, i went for the latter.

after that i was able to breathe normally again. i asked for the form to apply for the free return ticket home. i also began thinking about the date of thesis defense and graduation and when is the earliest time i can return home.

i felt that i have already moved on.

i'm proud of my decision.

japan will soon be just part of my fabled history.

 

btw, i'm currently listening to the Fields Institute Audio Clip of Prof Daniel Micciancio. He's my all time favorite lecturer in the planet. I love the guy cause he's so funny and talks like my ex-bf. Serogja said that maybe he's a Cuban from the future.

I really hated it when Fidel and his student told me that I should consider the adviser more than the prestige of the university. cause the truth is if only there's some way for me to study under Micciancio then that's the perfect world for me. I swear that guy's research is just tailor-fit for my area of interest. Plus, he's soooo funny!! I have began an electronic communication with him and he's very nice and supportive.

But applying in UCSD is not a good idea! Worst, in the Comp Sci Department when no one gets TAs.

Oh well, maybe I'll do my post doc with him, after I figure out where to go for my PhD. 

oh well, oh well!!

 

-mG 

Currently listening to: Micciancio's lecture
Currently reading: elliptic curves
Currently feeling: relieved

the options in tokyo has nothing been but a hold-back for me. there are so many lures here but the truth is i don't feel happy anymore. i'm disgruntled with my everyday life in school because of the hellish commuting time and the tremendous stress i have to bear. plus, i've been thinking about the glimmer of hope that maybe from april 2007, someone will realize theire feelings towards me or it might be just another bust in my life. and finally, so many people expecting me not to pass up the opportunity of earning more money here.

i got so confused!

so i was left with no other choice but put my foot forward and decide that i have to leave this city. i maybe a fool to turn my back against money and to be in a sure shot academic degree--two things which are really close to my heart right now.

but i rethink about it so many times.. i look at my experience in north america which might be a brief stint but i figure that i can have better opportunities there. like in canada, after 4 years i can earn not only a phd but also a canadian citizenship! now, that is something which is so difficult to decline.

anyway, i have alreeady made my decision and i think i have moved on since then. i'm leaving japan on march 2007! it's final and as of now nothing can change my mind, nothing can hold me back.

i'll take my shot in one canadian university and it wil be my best shot! good luck to me. if i can't then i'll go to hawaii and work there.

-mG 

 

Currently listening to: Pag-ibig ko'y pansinin
Currently watching: YouTube of Bitoy's spoof vids
Currently feeling: nauseated