• March 4, 2006 - the date of my friend Didith's wedding and honeymoon. i would like to extend my congratulations!
• but i was celebrating my own brand of fun!
• ロメーオさんは　”Boggart 、 いつも顔がすっぱい”と言った。It's true because when I review the vids, it looks like he wanted to kill me or so. Very cranky and feels like he just wants to get it over with. Well, I thought it's just because of me, but actually most of his pics (those taken without my grand presence) are still brandishing the いつも顔がすっぱい look!
• Phirum is really one hell of a guitar player. God! If only he wasn't Romeo's boyfriend, I wouldn't have been singing "I hope I don't fall in love with you" to him! grrrr!
• Honestly, I would like to understand Boggart better cause I admit that I'm quite unfair to him to judge him so quickly. I guess, he's just one hell of a person!
• On my last birthday party, I would like to acknowledge the person who gave me the best gift. Yeah, I received quite a number from a handful friends and acquaintance, but the one which touched me is the "Little Prince" book from Ryan Co. This is really objective since I received a box of delicious chocolate from Romeo, Mars, choco cake from Edcel, and pair of pajamas also from Edcel.
• This year, again without any biased I would hand it to hmmm..  Boggart. A book light. It's cute, useful, and very handy, I can bring it anywhere. However, I regret the fact that Romeo didn't give me those tasty chocolates, awwww!! You truly can't have it all!
• He said, he used Boggart as a nickname for the autograph signing because it just pops into his head and it sounded like a dog's name! yeah, what the hell!
• Boggart memorize all of Yoyoy Villame's songs. In fact, he already played "Magellan" twice in public.
• Sandara and Hero clicked! That's a very important lesson for me, hehe for someone like me who wanted to propel her career to stardom! Yeah, forget love triangles and focus on 1 guy, whatsisname again? hmmm... Can this be love?  
• Again, devoid of any form of bias, I think I look better with Romeo than with Boggart. 99% of the population think so too, the 1% is represented however by Romeo, himself! Awwww!
• My birthday wish: that I won't ever have to wish anything for any upcoming birthdays. Which means that I would finally be happy, find the right guy, and stop all of my desperate prayers! Amen to that, please!
• Brey? no way!!  できないよ！
• Frankly, I wish it would be Romeo. Cause even if I didn't love him as much as I loved Boggart before (well, that is only because I'm more mature now and that he's young and we have all the time in the world) he gave me a very special gift==> he believed in me and helped me regain my lost self-respect. Yeah, that's the real reason why I ever loved him too!

-mG

Currently listening to: So it's you by Raymund Lauchengco
Currently reading: The tipping point by Malcolm Gladwell

last week, abby used my laptop to help ging make her very own website. to derive some inspiration, abby showed her own site about her family. and thus leaving the site's url on my history address bar.

i just checked it out and gosh! i could just sigh. must be so nice to have such a perfect life, a perfect family. i guess, God really made the world to be so damn unfair. i mean, of course i love abby, cause she's my friend, senpai, and all, but somehow when i picked up the phone to hear my parents complaining about my measly savings, and that they'll probably deemed homeless in 2 months time, whew... forgive me but i could just sigh.

i looked at my sister's blog (also here is tabulas) and reading her rants about our f*cked up family, is simply so weakening. gosh, she's almost 19 years old but still hooked up with the JPop craze. My God, I wonder how these kind of disease haunts our family.

I know that when i was in high school and until 1st year college, i'm really a crazy fan of PBA, in particular of Yves Dignadice, but I was way younger than her, 15-16 maybe. But of course I graduated from cager obsession just to proceed to math teacher worship. i know, that's really sick, but at least i don't spend and waste the money like her.

i know, I'm really a f*cked up kid, but i wish that it will stop with me. if only i can talk to her, i will slap her ass and tell her to wake up to reality. yeah, if only i can talk to her, but i cannot cause have i ever mentioned that we're not on speaking terms for more than 8 years already. yeah, my family's really f*cked up.

last year, romeo made a very special request to me, it is something which i have never heard from any individual (and maybe that's why i really regarded him as a true friend); he wished that i should talk to my sister. hmmm. i tried, and that's why i tried to be friendly and give her JPop stuffs I can scrounge up from Dorama. i tried hugging her and being closed to her when i returned home for my summer vacation. nevertheless, there is simply too much wall to overcome. me and my sister, we're never ever gonna be friends anymore.

i really just wanted to get it off my system; why is my family f*cked up? i mean, i love them, i love my father, God knows, but he's a f*cked up father. he left us when we were kids and only God knows why he's done that. oh sorry, he didn't leave us, he shooed us away from our his house. how ironic because i once heard brian talked about mari-vic's parents, almost a similar story with just a major tweaking in the end. cause i ended up f*cked up, while she.. for ended up with him! so now, i asked God, why are you so unfair?

and come on, look at my mom, she's done so many sacrifice for us to have something to eat, etc.. and alone cause my dad took off when i was 8, and for that i would probably like to thank my mom and hand her the "Gawad Kalinga Para Kay Ina" award. But hell no! she loves me, ok. but i will never forget that she loved my siblings more than me. my brother was diagnosed with ADHD when he was a baby, and she invested all of her money for my brother. and i--she didn't had the money to send me to a decent school, or even celebrate my 7th birthday.

she's just so paranoid that my brother is going to end up like the usual mongoloid and that's why all of her attention and time and money was poured crazy for him. and i... she made me feel like i was the most untalented kid in the planet. i wanted to sing... but my mom told me i sounded like a wailing vagina. i wanted to dance.. but my mom told me it looks like i'm epileptic whenever i do so. i wanted to try taekwondo... but we don't have money for it. i wanted to study math... but told me i'm stupid at it.

in short, i never tried anything when i was a kid. but everything for my brother. of course i love my brother. in fact, even if he's the only one formally diagnosed with a mental illness, he's actually the sanest amongst us. of course he's not intelligent, he doesn't do well in school, he has poor social skills, but compared to what i have to endure and experience, it would actually be nice to be in his shoes.

but right now, we have a real problem. my grandmother is sick and is now confined in the hospital. her savings are down to P350,000 from a million and by a rough estimate it will probably take less than 2 months for it to dry down.

our problem is that my family is currently residing in my grandmother's house. we've actually lived there for more than 10 years already but i moved out when i came to japan. the tragic tale is that no one amongst 7 children of my grandma is willing or has the capacity to pay her hospital bills. so, they have no choice but to sell the house where my folks are living in. basically, they have to look for a new place right now to live.

and that is where i will probably fit into the picture. i've been saving money here in japan for my future but i guess the duty of a family calls and i need to help. but the truth is--that it hurts. cause as i've stated, my family is f*cked up!

well, i'm not blaming them entirely why i have to be like this. to be madly and obsessive about something, and someone to the point of scaring even those people who can actually be my friends. but when i look at my sister, and my father, and my mother... i see a trend.. and God! we're just all f*cked up! why can't we just be normal like abby's family for instance? or mari-vic?

brian is right! i don't have self-respect! and by golly, look at my sister drool over Japanese hermaphrodites and spend all of her money to join these hermaphrodites gigs and but hermaphrodites albums and posters. Doesn't she ever know that there people are called OTAKU here? Doesn't she know that they are look down upon even by most Japanese themselves? 

where is our self-respect? we have none! we're f*cked up!

-mG

P.S. and to my sister, if ever u will read this, come on, u have to change for the better. be mature and get a life!

 

Currently listening to: Basang basa sa ulan by Aegis
Currently reading: The Tipping Point by Gladwell
Currently feeling: fucked up!

this is personal therapy: i would say

"LET GO OF THE PAIN" aloud 20 times every day!

through this i hope that i finally, as in finally move on and start living once again. and of course fall in love. it's true that i fell for romeo but romeo is the typical call center operator who tried to calm down the chick who's calling her ex overseas. I don't want to repeat the same mistake and so this time I want to be really over everyone before plunging into the love game! Amen to that!

LET GO... LET GO!

-mG

Currently listening to: Saving all my love for you by hehe, me!
Currently reading: Factoring by electronic mail by Lenstra

Honestly, I want to let go. I've been chanting for days now consecutively but it's clearly not working out. At least, not yet. My god! I've done almost every imaginable thing to just get it out of my system, but I don't get decent results. Well, sometimes, I see some progress only to be marked by nights of never-ending depression.

My God! I clearly,... clearly owe it to myself to let go. I don't want to end up as an old maid, because that's the path I'm taking up by being so stubborn. This is probably what they call as the crossroad, the turning point, the crucial moment when you give up on loving once again.

Well, for God's sake, I tried! Look, there's Romeo! But it's not my fault. Well, partly, it is my fault that I pulled the trigger too soon only to scare him away. But I only did that because I'm just simply trying hard to prove to msyelf and to everyone else that I've finally gotten over this craziness.

And now, I've lost Romeo and things haven't been any better. I'm still hurting, and that is the main point!

When I left the Philippines, I thought that I can start a new life in Tokyo, and that I can finally live once again, free of the prejudice my past has brought me. But what happened?

There was Romeo and then there was none. I wish, if only I have the universe conspiring on my side, I would simply make Romeo like me. And things would be so simple.

I regret ever coming to Japan. You know, before I came here, I know what I want to do, I have my future planned like it's in the back of my palm. Now, I don't even know what I'll be having for breakfast tomorrow. My life in Japan sucks and what can I do? Who can help me?

This blog has been the sole crying shoulder I've got. This is where I write my thoughts, as crazy as they may sound, fears, my dreams, but frankly speaking I'm getting tired of writing. Cause it's has nothing been close to therapeutic. It's just the same thing going on for years.

You know I kinda envy my friend Rose. Because 2 years ago, we were kinda wishing to St. Jude that we find boyfriends, and her wish came true. Me, I was stupid enough to opt for Japan instead, and yeah wish #2, to be Fidel's friend. But actually, the boyfriend thing is the most logical choice.

Ok, her boyfriend may not exactly be dashing or rich or someone I'll be proud of, but the point is that she loves him. I mean, love is amazing enough that she's able to transcend the physical passion to simply an emotional one. Actually, he's not that bad looking, but of course compared to my types, it's no question.

So maybe the only solution is for me to follow Andrew E's advice: the infamous, "HUMANAP KA NG PANGIT AT IBIGING MONG TUNAY!"

That is the solution. the first phrase is actually easy, since single, ugly guys are not really hard to find, but the catch is, how will I fall in love with them?

It's ironic how I have to almost go under medication to prevent my heart from falling for... you know who.. sometimes I'm even successful, but golly, falling in love with an ugly guy, come on! I really need God!!

Lord, God! Help me! I really, really, really don't want to become an old maid! I'm doing my best to control my emotions, now would you just give a man that I can love, and who will me back? Ok, if he's really suppose to be ugly, then make sure that I will fall in love with him!

-mG

 

P.S. God, don't take away my eyesights! I cannot make that sacrifice just to go pass this looks priority check!

 

 

Currently listening to: I can
Currently reading: The USSR Olympiad Problem Book
Currently watching: The OC Season 3 Marathon

In 2002, I started my first job as a lecturer in the Ateneo De Manila University. I was supposed to get a full-time position however I had controversies surrounding me before that prevented that from happening. Despite the ugly turn of events I was thankful to meet Bernard Chan. I was thankful at least for several months as I cling on to the hope of going to the US.

When I met Bernard, he was already getting ready to fly to Illinois for that Fall. He inspired me a lot when he said how I could also have a chance. He taught me about the application procedures as well as the exams to take.

I was incredibly high from that moment that I met him and I wasted not a single moment and gamble my entire childhood savings. Armed with just confidence and the fervor to change my life, I took the GRE exams without sufficient preparation. In fact, I took the GRE general exam 2 days after I registered for it. I thought it's going to be easy because I thought I was Bernard. To my horror, I realized that I wasn't. It frustrated me a lot and I wasn't able to regain my composure for the next exams.

And then I committed the worst mistake of all--I didn't research about the schools I'm applying for. Of course, I applied to UIUC because Bernard went there, and I want to follow his footsteps, but I chose UIC and UM in random. Four years after, another friend headed for USF told me about a website of the National Research Council's ranked of the mathemtics department across the country. I almost hurt myself in what I saw:

14) UM

22) UIUC

31) UIC

108) USF

That is precisely the prototypical moment when you want to say to yourself, "If I only knew.." I totally wasted my money on a lost cause. And it could've easily been avoided by doing a little google search. Instead of writing a stupid blog entry for Manu Ginobili or Steve Nash, that nobody ever reads, I could have alloted that time in looking for lower ranked schools. I'm not saying that it's a sure shot, but at least I have a shot.

Well, anyway past is past. I'm here in Japan, also another G7 country. I earned almost as much as students in the US (or more) and I don't need to serve spoiled American brats. Of course, I do teach on my free time but that is for extra dough and not Algebra nor Trigonometry, but rather English. By the end of the year, I'm going to be a millionaire!

Last December, I earned 3rd levels in Japanese Proficiency. And on Sunday I'm going to take the practice test for the 2nd levels. My main goal is to be fluent in a foreign language. Because that is something which is not achieved by students in the US.

I got introduced to the rich and fascinating even though sometimes irritating Japanese culture. I get to learn about so many aspects of Japan life, that inspite of not achieving my target degree here, I could still proudly go back home contented. I've been to Onsen, Sento, hanami, hanabi, rode the shinkansen, tried Kimono wearing, tea ceremony, calligraphy, the list will go on forever.

And last but not the least, I envy Bernard no more when I watched the documentary called Supersize Me!  When I try to imagine what they're probably munching on in the US, compared to the seeweeds, dried lettuce, spinach, and raw fish we indulge in here, I just feel sorry for them. Here in Japan, even the onigiri and calorie bars feel healthy. And we can take the word of the Japanese for it, since they have senior citizens alive and kicking at the age of 80.

Well so much for making myself feel good. Honestly, I'm not sourgraping or anything. I mean, maybe it's destined for me to come to Japan and not to US. And rereading what I just wrote, made me sincerely believe that it is indeed so. I love Japan!

-mG

P.S. Nevertheless, I know that one day I'm going to take my shot again at the American dream, and I also know that by that time I have a clear shot!

 

Currently listening to: California by Phantom Planet
Currently reading: The Medusa and the Snail by Lewis Thomas
Currently watching: Xmen Natsukashii cartoons
Currently feeling: rejuvenated

sometimes, it still hurts me

when you as you

and i

we

feel the whole gamut of emotions

in this existence which i cannot control

the envy, pride, and fury

and then i become

weak and

sometimes lonely

cries unheard by your indifference

cause when you are here

the shadows stalking my path

and sometimes

the stars rekindle their flames

fervor burning deep within 

fear, i cannot

but confusion is my soul

and denial is the bitter pill

i have to swallow

and the aftertaste, i spit

in breathing, i saw your face

a smile, a shriek, a lesson

to which we owe our purpose

but when it is

sometimes, i cannot let go...

 

-mG

Currently listening to: Ka-dekada by Paul Galang
Currently reading: Letter to a hostage by Antoine de Saint Exupery
Currently feeling: working

* got something like this from iris, but i find this prayer really soothing

Ama, pagod na po ako, kaya ibinabalik ko na po sa inyo ang lahat. Ibinibigay ko na po sa inyo ang aking mga pasanin. Kayo na po ang bahala sa akin. Ipinagpapaubaya ko na ang aking sarili sa inyo. Patawarin nyo ako dahil naging mahina ako ngunit hindi ko na po kaya. Kailangan ko po kayo, Ama.

-mG

P.S. ang dami kong problema sa ngayon. at pagod na talaga ako. Nung isang araw at nagpapalpitate na naman ako. kinailangan kong tumira ng isang tabletas. mga isang taon rin bago yung huli kong sumpong. pagkainom ko, nagdasal ako. napayapa ang aking isip. masarap ang tulog ko at parang nasa alapaap. akala ko nga'y natuluyan na'ko.

Currently listening to: Four Strong Winds by Peter Paul and Mary
Currently reading: none
Currently feeling: drained

We shall overcome 3x

  someday

Oh, deep in my heart

   I do believe

We shall overcome

   someday

-mG

Currently listening to: We shall overcome by PPM

I wonder if I ask you years from now

  whether you can still remember our 1st date here

if we can return back to the memory lane, literally

   to watch the man-made falls splash into the man-made pond

Today, I did just that

   only I was alone

The night's getting deep

   and I had just two Virginnia Slims for supper

As usual, short of cash for some nearby fine dining

   and so I preferred to reminisce

Good thing I put on a warm coat, even though it's nearing spring

Oh how time flies!

   And next week, so will you

Return home and forget me forever

   As well as this route where we were once happy

Writing a verse is a pathetic excuse not to call you

   which in itself is more pathetic

Cause there's nothing else to say, nothing else to do

   Everything's beyond us now

I need courage, strength, and peace of mind

   I couldn't be swayed by the storm of loneliness

I could die from controlling my tears

   But it's better than showing you my weakness

Everything's beyond us now, I should let go

   No! I won't cry, I'm tired of that song

       And yes! I can let go

       The grand finale of the saga

If however, you ask me in the future

   whether I remember this place

Route 23, I'll say, and perhaps we can go back!

 

（１８年３月２３日：西新宿、１９：４０）

-mG

Currently listening to: Lemon tree by PPM
Currently reading: Route 23
Currently feeling: hopeful

nang takip-silim ay ramdam ko ang ginaw

na tumatagos sa kaibutaran ng buto 

ang panginginig ng iyong katawan

at sa pagpupulanggit ng iyong mga daliri aking napuna

unti-unting tumutulo, umaagos ang mga luha

di ko matanto kung anong sakit ang sinambit ng puso

ngunit hindi man sa salita'y ang damdami'y bumubunghalit

ang mukmok, ngit-ngit, at pag-ulol ng pag-iisip

kailan pa kaya muli mauulit

ang pagniniig na sa diwa lamang namamalagi?

kung masisilayan mo ang aking panginorin

ang ating mga kalapati ay nagtatagpo

pati mga sirena'y namumuhay ng payapa

sa aking puso, ang lahat nang ito'y totoo

ikaw at ako'y di alintana ang banta ng takip-silim.

 

-mG

Currently listening to: Ligaya by Kitchie Nadal
Currently reading: Modular Forms and Fermat's Last Theorem by Cornell
Currently feeling: excited

pangamba na mawalay ka

ang aking piling tuluyang lisanin, sinta

sa tuwina'y binabalikan

ang tamis ng alaala sa nakaraan

mga pangakong lumihis sa katuparan

sa iyong paglimot sa ating sumpaan

ang puso'y pagod; ang isip ay inaalo

na sa pakiwari'y sana'y gumuhit sa'yo

ang dalahamti ng kaluluwang ito

na luha ang kapalit ng bawat minuto

ang dalumat ng pangamba ay sadyang kay lupit

isinasabay sa serbesang labis na mapait

kahit pa ako'y nag-uumapaw sa galit

ibinibalik na lamang ang lahat kay Ama sa langit

ngunit ako'y tao lamang

mahina at nagugulumihan

nangangamba na ako ay iiwan

at habam-buhay na tayong magkalimutan

kung gayon, itong pangamba ay pawang walang silbi

sapagkat ang tadhana na ang nagsasabi

na ang pag-ibig na ito'y walang patutunguhan

at nararapat lamang na ating ipagpaliban

ngunit kung sa hinaharap, sa ibang kalawakan

ay mabigyan muli ng isang pagkakataon

alay sa'tin nang naiibang panahon

wag kang mag-atubili

narito ako, handa kang mahaling muli!

 

-mG

* ang mga tulang sinusulat ko ay alay ko kay....

** isinulat ko ito sa loob ng 5 minuto. nagising ako nang alas-kwatro ng umaga at ayaw maalis sa isip ko ang tema ng tula.

 

 

Currently listening to: Tanggap ko by Nyoy Volante
Currently watching: NHK
Currently feeling: sleepy

He, I asked

   he, I begged and cried upon

Cause, if he only knew

   my deepest pain

   the flowing tears

   twisted and shamed

   might that be enough

He, I followed

   he, I adored and loved

   the sweetest memory lingered for years

   feelings intertwined

Because forever

   i can only cling onto

   him, I believed

   is the one....

 

-mG

Currently listening to: Silvertoes by Parokya ni Edgar
Currently reading: Prime Numbers by Crandall and Pomerance
Currently feeling: hungry

i need to write

poems and verses

   an outlet

for my most precious emotion

   in this moment

which i try to capture with mere words

   and photographs

but deep inside the efforts seemed futile

   still pictures come short of the real thing

the clock keeps on ticking

and you keep on glancing away

   the moment has to come to an end

for goodbyes for us are inevitable

   perhaps better off with that

to start with something new

   a window of opportunity at my fingertips

but still pain is an outright fact

   unavoidable and with each delaying moment

more effectual

   to give me more reasons to cry

and perhaps to hold on to

   which i could not afford anymore

i should not

   things happen because they are supposed to

acceptance of my fate

   is the key to moving on

cause the moment for goodbye

   has finally arrived!

 

-mG

Goodbye Sir! Thanks for the Japan memories! At least I'm happy that we're on civil terms right now.

But thankfully, someone else is here to comfort me. I also symphatize with him.

Currently listening to: Sakura by Moriyama
Currently reading: One hundred years of Solitude
Currently feeling: in the mood!