*note: just had a chat with Iris, and HolY time, it is now 3:17, JST, i'll probably be groggy on tomorrow's seminar. anyway, i figure that i already reach the apex of my hatred for school and schoolwork, so nothing else can make it worse.

i enjoyed the chat; because she told me what i want to hear, and something that 'You know who' might advice if i can ever have the guts to ask him. i admitted that i missed the guy. not in the sense that i am longing for a romantic relationship with him, but for his (uhhhm) 'friendship,' if ever there was one.

permit me to explain this for the last time: we're not the typical kind of friends, afterall we're not companions. we hardly see each other in a week. we don't send occassional text messages to check out whether the other is fine. we don't date, not even in the 'friendship' level, we don't go out to movies, we don't stargaze, we don't have lunch together, we hardly do anything together.

so you might say, what made me conclude that 'he' is or was my friend...

i'll write the answer that i told a dormmate earlier.

try to listen to the song of Christina Aguillera's "I turn to you" and you'll know what i mean. whenever, i feel like i'm in deep shit, he's the first person i can think of to ask for help or advice. or if he cannot really commit to be involved, at least i will try to get his opinion on the matter.

no, i didn't exactly have such utmost respect for him, but it's just the way our so-called friendship has evolved and took shape through the years.

ok, back to Iris, *sorry for my poor writing style today, but my fingers are already frostbiten from the cold, it's 0 degrees here!* what can i say; our conversation'S quite a fruitful one.

First of all, she told me to pursue Romeo. anyway, it's not as if i have any prodding intentions of stopping for the moment, but her words sound as encouraging as 'you know who.' i don't want to give up, and i won't, knowing my persisting nature. but, i get easily affected by what people would say. i don't exactly lose hope but i get depressed and drown myself angrily and aloof away from my friends.

Iris made me realize how it was all worth fighting for, how the risk getting hurt in the end should just give me more reason not to retreat from the battlefield. she never mentioned it, but i figured out on my own how i fail to see how coward i've become on Romeo, because there is really a concrete chance here, unlike before. i know that i truly have special feelings him, i am not yet sure if 'love' is the word, but i know that he's simply different from the usual fling.

Finally, she sent me a link to her webpage. it contains an essay on 'you know who.' i don't know if it was ever her purpose to put me on an acid test just to determine if i still have feelings for 'him.'

i shall say that her journal entries used to put me to tears before, because i have always felt a stubborn tinge of jelousy renting my nerves, but this time, *drum rolls* i guess, it's NOW SAFE TO ASSUME THAT I AM FINALLY OVER HIM!!

i don't weep anymore. of course, i was able to relate and reminisce the moments, but never during the entire duration of reading her craft have i felt envious.

finally, i am 100% sure that i want to move on with my life, that i can leave the past and live for the present, now that i've found Romeo.

he's just another guy who would probably hurt me in the future, who would be my source of constant pain and torment, and pile up my misery that i've endured with 'you know who.'

Romeo may be considered as a replacement killer, in that aspect, but i swear he's a very much different entity. he would be.. that would be my goal.

ok, i'll be signing off cause i need to at least doze of just to have enough energy for the day ahead. i'll leave you with the link to iris' article.

http://www.geocities.com/mathematix4ever/True98.html

for the first time ever, i would like to thank her for what she's done to me.

-mG

Currently listening to: On love in Sadness by Jason Mraz
Currently feeling: hopeful

*(note: this is my first ever entry written on my IBM Thinkpad X40)

i'm supposed to be cramming for tomorrow's report but unfortunately, browsing through my old PC's archives distracted me once and for all. again, i re-read articles writen by M-Vich, Lloyd, and 'you know who's' aunt. how come i still felt a blood curling shiver everytime i do so?

semi-weird, semi-pathetic?

last time, i've successfully proven that i'm over him(ed) *that's our joke amongst us dorm buddies and english tutors*. he's a thing of the past, a boy/man who's name i recall but the feeling i forgot.

because romeo's now in my life. although he may not be feeling the same way about me, slowly, but surely the random pieces of my heart and soul and the lingering memory of myself is learning to fall in love once again.

actually, i would admit that i'm not fully convinced that i really have serious feelings for romeo. but i would let it stay that way for the meantime. i like him, period, but no pressure and at stakes. afterall i don't want to scare him out of his wits.

just like the way i did to 'you know who' before... did i just say that i want this affair to be entirely different? 'you know who' is a very special kind of person, the kind of man that you would only see once or twice in a century. he's so grand--ohh that regal bearing!!

'you know who' is THE most special existence, "zui te bie de cun cai" in Mandarin. if there will ever be a counter example for the riemann's hypothesis, then that would be him. he's got a charm that can turn even an antiquated light bulb on, he's the whole special package rolled into one bunch of binding emotions. his face is of intricate beauty but that's just the tip of the iceberg. he's got irresistible appeal reaching out to most people; he's curious, interesting, gentle, and the kind of guy every father wants his daughter to bring home.

he's been through a lot of experiences in life, and those he's much-willing to share with people, who in turn consider those moments of subtle flirtations in form of mild conversations as blessings from some higher beings. i was once the wide-eyed girl thankful for each second that passed by with our gazes held intact as an unmelted ice and the wind sweeping off my feet.

romeo, on the other hand, i would like to call him "the most special futsu" *futsu in Japanese means regular.* the oxymoron strikes and then now i'm thinking... now i'm realizing... now i'm loving...

if these two people would be types of trains, 'you know who' gets the "Special Express" while romeo is the "local train."if you lived in a Japanese Metropolis then you'll get this analogy. everyone would like to get to their destination quickly, hence they want a special express that stops at their station. of course, this is not possible for everybody, otherwise, why call it an express if it stops at EVERY station--that's what local train or futsu does.

in my case, i've just realize too late that the "Special Express" is never meant for me. instead of reaching my goal in a hurry, i was even delayed. i woke up in the nick of time to get off and transfer trains. and this time, i know that i should wait for a 'futsu.' it doesn't matter where i am and what date or time it is, the futsu types always arrives. sometimes, it might take a while and the wait can be a physical and mental torture. but it's almost always assured that it will arrive, you just need to be a little patient and persistent.

so much for that train story.

from hereon, i promise that i'll be talking about solely about romeo.

romeo.. is not very spectacular. if my lovelife would be put into film then i will choose a neophyte actor, probably a Star Cinema baby to take his part. you get the idea, the type who spoils a great trailer because of faulty acting. good-looking, charming, adored by some females, but a certain kind of shallowness in his personality.

we're still on our getting to know stage, but he's been such a good sport to tell me delicate stories of his life.

nothing fascinating... no mendiola rallies and getting shot in the back *just broke my promise, lolz*, no 42-km marathons, no NPA-life on the closet, no political affiliations, no Number Theory and getting excited over a proof of some obscure theorem, no worship for primes and UFD plate numbers, no famous fathers who *owns* the school.. in fact, not much to write about, just the usual stuffs that boys do on their puberty.

as for his personal characteristics and tastes, he's not very profound, at least by my standards.. no classical or jazz music on stereo, no bachs, beethoven's, and chopins; just usher, avril lavigne, j-pop singers, and opm mush. he doesn't write poems and haiku nor reads such. on his free time, he compensates his often-tired body with sleep-all-days.

don't get me wrong, i don't find him boring and uninteresting. on the contrary, he's been nothing short of what i really wanted (and maybe needed). i hate to admit that this is again happening, but he's been the sole highlight of my life here in Japan. school sucks and so does the climate and the thick language barrier. that's why i would always find myself looking forward for midnight because that's when he comes home*dorm* from work and then we rendevouz and talk till i'm as tired as him and finally we call it a day, at the break of the dawn. i would kiss him goodnight but not in the actual sense. just a pure and solemn exchange of sweet nothings.

whenever i look at him, i see a young boy who's simply trying to make the most of his youth. he's just as transparent as me, and we mutually let each other inside our souls. i can feel his growing pains and he recognized mine. we may be more compatible than expected.

we both have passion for the same brand of music and I was surprised to find out that he's also engulfed with the lyrical content of a song. we love to sing, turn the volume of the computer to the max to soothe our nerves, enough wake up the dormer in the C-wing. we both have that kind of a sharp tongue and slickness of a true 'UPian' but in reality we're just fortunate to have passed the UPCAT or else would have been as 'connotic' as the hmmmm.

anyway, i know that i'm wiser now, and that's why i'm taking my time to fall in love. just because he's not that 'special' does not mean that he cannot hurt me. he can, and in the most painful way. i'm know what he's capable of doing cause he's been honest with his previous relationships. he may be heeding a warning in one way, or unintentionally giving one, on the other.

am i worried or challenged?

to be frank, i am both not; not worrried nor challenged, that is. i reckon that there's no need to be, afterall, he's a 'futsu' the type which makes you believe in the much-abused phrases of "patience is a virtue" and "time will tell."

-mG

Currently reading: A Wild Sheep Chase by Haruki Murakami
Currently feeling: jubilant

*SaBI ni Romeo, dedicated daw sa kin ang song na'to. kala ko pa naman, for us. yun pala, dahil sa past ko.

Until I get over you
by Christina Milian

Woke up today thinking of you
Another night and I made my way through
So many dreams still left in my mind
But they could never come true
I press rewind
I remember when
I close my eyes and I’m with you again
But in the end I can still feel the pain
Every time I hear your name

[Chorus]
The sun won’t shine since you went away
Seems like the rain’s falling every day
There’s just one heart
where there once was two
That’s the way it’s gotta be
until I get over you…
[you]

[Verse 2]
Walked through the park, in the evening air
I heard a voice and I thought you were there
I run away but I just can’t escape
Memories of you everywhere
They say the time will dry the tears
But true love burns for a thousand years
Give my tomorrows for one yesterday
Just to know that I could have you here

[Chorus]

[till I get over....... you...]

[Bridge]
When will this river of tears stop fallin’
Where can I run so I won’t feel alone
Can’t walk away when the pain keeps callin’
I’ve just gotta take it from here on my own
But it’s so hard to let go .....
[oh no no no]
[oh no no]

[Chorus]

[You]
[you]
that's the way it's gotta be
until I get over you
[until I get over....you.....]


-mG

Currently listening to: Penny and Me by Hanson
Currently feeling: confused

Dito muna ako for the weekend at nakiki-squat kay Mike. Maganda ang view rito; nakikita ang Mt. Fuji tsaka may port pa sa tabi. Peaceful ang tubig. Tapos, ang dorm nila ay parang hotel. Hi-tech.. Sana ganito rin sa Soshi.

Kaya lang, gusto ko pa rin sa Soshigaya. Nami-missed ko na kase kaagad eh.. Actually, si Romeo lang. Twice ko na ngang minis-col, pero di naman sumasagot.

Gosh!! mahal ko na yata siya. Wini-wish ko nga na sana dito kameng dalawang namamasyal. Romantic kase, at para kameng nagho-honeymooon.

i will post some photos in my yahoo album.

-mG

Currently listening to: Nobody's Home by Avril Lavigne
Currently feeling: recumbent

I wore the same underwear for 2 1/2 days!

Gross! I know, I'm in Japan and there's only a finite number of germs that survive in this friggin' cold weather.

Odaiba is lovely but my undies are like starched and salty. 'Pwede nang tumayong mag-isa' Good thing is I'm wearing 3 pairs of long sleeves for my undershirt, plus a coat for the outside. That way, I can alternate the undershirts that serves as different outfits.

Now I wonder whether this is some sort of a training for a future prospect.

Am I gonna be an NPA when I return home? Just a point to ponder till I'm dizzy and all puffed up. Seriously, that would be another gigantic dream of mine.

-mG

Currently listening to: Penny and Me by Hanson
Currently feeling: giddy

*patay ako; wala pa akong nababasa sa Quantum Crypto at eto ako't nagsasayang ng oras dito

1. Contemplate - not enough pinggan.
2. Punctuation - pera para maka enrol
3. Ice Buko - Is my hair ok?
4.Tenacious - footwear for tennis
5. Calculator - tawagan kita mamaya
6. Devastation - sakayan ng bus
7. Masturbation - malawakang gutom
8. Protestant - tindahan ng Prutas
9. Statue - Ikaw ba yan?
10.Predicate - pakawalan mo ang pusa
11.Dedicate - pinatay ang pusa
12.Aspect - pantusok o pandurog ngyelo
13.Deduct - ang pato
14.Defeat - ang paa (ng pato?)
15.Detail - ang buntot (ng pato?)
16.Deposit - gripo (call Diploma ifDeposit
isleaking)
17.City - bago mag utso. d' # thatfollows 6
18.Cattle - doon nakatira ang HalitLeyna
19.Persuading - unang kasal
20.Depress - ang nagkasal sa Persuading
21. Shampoo - bago mag labing-isa
22. Delivery - walang bayad ( Kapagnag
punta kayong friend mo sa Restaurant at
siya ang nag bayadDelivery.)
23. Profit - patunayan mo
24. Beehive - magpakatino ka
25. CD-ROM - tingnan mo kwarto


Ito ay isang Fil-Dic -- ti** ng Pinoy

-mG

Currently reading: Quantum Cryptosystems
Currently feeling: drained

more or less, i find myself as a professional tourist who spends my free time (or forced) to study Mathematics. for the past 5 months of my stay, i've done a lot of travelling and sightseeing in Japan; and my recent ski trip to Nagano certified that claim. so for that, i guess it seems just apt to thank my sponsors for the financial funding. afterall, this is the single aspect of my present life that can qualified as fulfilling.

nevertheless, this trip is unlike any other. not just because of the sheer beauty of winter wonderland and the uncanny joy obtained from the experience, but more on the whole lot of things i learned from such. whenever i put on my skis and skid through the mixture soft snow and icicles, there's an upbeat feeling of simultaneous emotions renting my soul. i felt scared, excited, bewildered, and amazed at once. and i ponder how such austerity would inflict the most concrete reason to change my life. skiing shall i say serves as mirror to a parallel microcosmic universe.

i took a lot of tumbles but almost all of which are intentional; opting to fall down early to avoid the greater damage if the situation becomes totally out of control. of course sometimes i can't help it if another person bumped into me and thus i would also kiss the ice.

the most crucial part i think is to spend time with people from different walks of life. i would give love and props to them for teaching me one of the most important lesson in life--"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."

i dedicate this to the following people:

Julius: for the NPA stories, and a lot of other stuffs you lent and gave me, and for teaching me what playing your last game means. Yao bu shi Ai shang 'Fid..',

Ces: for giving me last piece of hope that i can cling onto, and for the motherly treatment. "parang nahanap ko na ang version ni Ma'am Marian dito sa Japan."

Jen: for teaching the value of life, and for the concrete advices on dealing with men

Janet: for showing me the meaning of sisterly love, and for breaking the good news that keeps me at peace

Xenon: for being the official photographer of the group and for teaching me to appreciate the finer things in life.

Chad: for picking me up whenever i fall down and for accompanying me on the 10m, almost vertical drop.

Jun: for being my best companion during boring ski lift rides and for informing me how the mind of a typical male functions

Joanne: for that feminine stuff you gave me when i thought that i was already having internal hemmorhage

Joy: for making a contact directory of our group. i'm sorry when i said that it may be difficult for you, but i was just out-of-sync that time

Marz: for lessons on the difference of CDMA, FDMA, TDMA, and shortwave. plus GSM providers versus Japanese phones.

Jerry; even though you were forced to sit beside me on the bus, i guess that you finally got me to talk and open up.

Finally, pls visit my yahoo photos for our shots.

-mG

Currently listening to: Don't tell me by Avril Lavigne
Currently reading: Prime Numbers by Crandall and Pomerance
Currently feeling: thankful

by: Gary Granada

* kung kelan wla na ko sa PInas para subaybayan, saka naman rumatsada ang paborito kong team. sheT, may balat yata talaga ko sa pwet!

Sinusundan ko ang bawat laro
Di na sila naghihingalo
Sa bawat bolang binibitaw
Gumaganda rin ang aking sigaw
Kahit hindi relihiyoso
Natutuwa ako sa mga santo
O, San Miguel, Sta Lucia
Mobiline, Shell, Purefoods, Pop Cola

Nang ang conference ay nag-umpisa
Nag-umpisa ang ratsada nila
At gaya rin ng kutya ng iba
Sila抷 magaling lang hanggang umpisa
Ngunit walang kasawa-sawa
Ang barangay na laging kinakawa
Sanay na sanay na sa kaaasa
Manalo抰 matalo ang Ginebra

CHORUS:

Pagbigyan nyo na ako
Paminsan-minsan lang ito
Gumaan ang nabibigatang puso
Pagbigyan nyo na ako
Kahit na kahit pano
Sumaya ng bahagya itong mundo

Kahit papano抷 nakarating din
Sa play-offs o finals ang Gordon抯 Gin
Halos masira ang aking bait
Sa double overtime na sudden death
Ang napakahirap ay napakasimple
Ang imposible ay naging posible
At natameme ang mga nagsasabi
Na dapat mag-retire na si Jaworski

Ang championship ay sinimulan
Unang laro kami ang lamang
Ngunit sa 2nd game ay napasama
Ang import ng Gordon抯 iika-ika
Ang labanan ay biglang nagbago
Reinforced versus All-Filipino
Kung gusto nyong malaman ang buong kwento
Ay magbasa na lang kayo ng dyaryo

CHORUS 2:

Pagbigyan nyo na kami
Mula Jolo janggang Aparri
Ang mga hiyawang nakakabingi
Pagbigyan nyo na kami
Anim na taon na rin kasi
Sumaya man lang kahit isang gabi

Apat na laro pa ang natitira
Nang kami ay namumuro na
Naaamoy ko na ang inaasam
Ang tagumpay ilang tulog na lang
At ang mga di makapaniwala
Ang sabi ay swerte, tsamba at awa
Di maabot ng kanilang pang-unawa
Parang kami noong kami ang kawawa

At ang inuman ay hanggang umaga
At ang pulutan ay si Lastimosa
At nagkandasakit ang aming mga pitaka
Nang maging champion ang Ginebra

-mG

Currently feeling: cold

Oo, ngayon unti-unti kong napagtatanto na mahal ko na yata talaga itong si Romeo.

Mahirap sukatin at patunayan. Masyadong daynamiko ang pag-ibig at saka walang sigurado kapag damdamin na ang pinag-uusapan.

Maari kaseng nakaka-overwhelmed lang at napapagkamalang tunay ang waring simpleng pintig ng puso. Ewan rin, ngunit kung ano man talaga, masasabi ko lang na mas mabuti na rin ang ganito kahit papaano.

Ang mahalaga'y nararamdaman ko na muli ang ganito sa iba namang lalake. Parte na rin ng tinatawag na moving on. Di ba? Matatawag na rin na malaking progress ang ganito.

Sabi ko nga ke Lord, datapwa't salat sa achievement ang paglagi ko rito sa Japan, na tila ba hindi pa rin ako nakakawala sa aking impyernong kinasasadlakan, at least naman naroon ang aking initiative na baguhin ang aking sawing kapalaran.

Dati-rati, naghihintay na lang akong dumating sa buhay ko ang lalakeng makatutumbas ke "alam nyo na", pero kase imposible na sigurong makakita pa ng isang katulad niya. Ibang klase yun, "one in a million".

Kaya na-realize ko rin sa huli na hindi na mahalaga na katulad rin niya, ang mas mahalaga ay yun bang katulad rin niyang mamahalin ko. At sa tingin ko, na pinagdarasal ko rin ke Lord, si Romeo na nga iyon.

Sabi ko nga sa isang sarbey sa Friendster sa tanong na "describe your special someone": sagot ko ay hindi sha special eh! Pero kahit ganon, special naman sha sakin.

Siguro nga wala shang gusto sakin, at one-way na naman tong relationship na ito. Minsan nga nabwibwisit na ako kung bakit ba pinanganak akong hindi kaseng ganda ni Mari.., eh di sana sisiw na ang pagbingwit ng mga lalake. Kase naman, bakit ba kailangan akong sobrang pahirapan.

Pero nagpa-pramis ako ke Lord na ito na ang aking grand wish sa loob ng mahabang panahon. At nangangako rin ako na kapag naging kame ni Romeo, gagawin ko ang lahat para mapaligaya rin sha. At saka I'll make God the center of our relationship! Naks naman!

Tiyak yun. This time, it's real!

-mG

Currently reading: A Wild Sheep Chase by Haruki Murakami
Currently feeling: off

This is one of the best amongst the bunch of crap I answered in Friendster!

1.Favorite Song Ever?
> The Reason by Hoobastank

2. Hatest Song Ever?
> yung mga kantang bisaya

3. Name one song that you think only you
have heard and really really like.
> Absolutely Zero by Jason Mraz

4. Perfect Song for Sex
> Weird ako eh; trip ko yung Backstreet boys
saka Absolutely Zero

5. If you were to join a singing contest, what
would you sing?
> kung may ka-duet ako, Now that I have you.
Kung solo naman, Can't take that away by Mariah

6. What song would you want to be played in
your funeral?
> Seasons in the Sun by Rod Mc Kuen

7.what song would really really make you
cry?
> "Ayoko nang malaman pa, na mayroon ka nang
iba, hayaan ng maging bulag sa katotohanan.."
title pls.

8. What song brightens up your day before
going to school, work?
> Thank you by Dido

9. First tape/cd you bought:
> 98 degrees

10. Fave song for your ex/s:
> Can we still be friends?

11. Most painful song ever heard?
> What makes a man, by Westlife

12. Favorite Gospel Song:
>Last Flight Out by Plus One

13. Song you want to be played on your
wedding day:
> This is the Moment by Erik Santos

14. Song that best describes your life/ self.
> This Side by Nickel Creek

15. Song for yourself right now?:
> Hold On by Good Charlotte

16. Favorite 'groove' song?
> All I have by J Lo and LL Cool J

17. Song you used to sing all the time as a
child?
> Peter, Paul, and Mary, 500 Miles, Puff the Magic
Dragon, Lemon Tree, Blowin in the Wind, If I have
a hammer

18. What song makes you sleep?
> Ni Yao De Ai by Penny Dai ; remember Meteor
Garden?

19. What song would you like to sing to the
one you love;
> White Flag by Dido

Currently reading: The Search is Over by Survivors
Currently feeling: hopeful

In less than a week, I will turn 23!!

Twenty three, a prime number--my ideal age of getting married.

Can you imagine that I still haven't gotten a serious boyfriend for the longest time. Again, it's apt to re-write my favorite quote:

"I'm not too old, but I'm old enough to feel lonely.
I'm young, but not young enough to be single."

You know that despite the fact that I've been trying to enjoy my life, and that I've been more busy with school work and my part time jobs, I still can't deny to myself the bitterness of being alone.

It's true that I always have good time hanging out with friends and enjoying the privelege of being "can afford" and the independence to do pretty much anything I like, but I always get the nagging feeling that at the end of the day I lose pride accepting to myself on how miserable the day actually turned out to be.

I've been saying my prayers to God but it seems like He's been acting deaf towards them. I don't know what I have to prove, because I've been really in pain and torment so I can't understand however good His intentions maybe.

The tears poured down heavily the last time I went to Church, I was on my knees begging and crying and pleading for his kindness. I don't know if He would ever respond but I wish that He would..

I would visit a new Church for my birthday, St. Francis of Roponggi and just like what happened last year, I hope that God would grant my wish for the last time.

"MAKE ROMEO FEEL THE SAME WAY TOO
MAKE HIM REALIZE HOW LUCKY HE IS WITH ME
JUST PROVIDE THE PROPER OPPORTUNITIES
THAT WOULD ALLOW US TO BE CLOSER
AND TO STRENGTHEN OUR BOND MORE THAN HIM WITH ANYONE ELSE
MAKE HIM LOVE ME LIKE I DO
MAKE ME ATTRACTIVE TO HIS EYES
BY HELPING ME ACT WITH POISE WHEN I'M WITH HIM
AND MAKING ME LOOK LIKE A REAL CATCH
LET HIM GROW NATURALLY BUT
HELP HIM DECIDE TO BE SERIOUS WITH LIFE
MAKE ALL OF THESE THINGS HAPPEN IN YOUR NAME
LORD, JESUS, THIS IS MY PRAYER... "


-mG

Currently listening to: Lonely day by Phantom Planet
Currently feeling: desperate