(another letter written to my friend..

***)

well, what can u say, i called him that night and might have partly screwed it up.

wasn't entirely my fault, i would say.. earlier, i talked to his friend, who happens to also be my friend. she told me, that my chances on him is a big fat NIL. almost, made me cry. coz, she said mentioned that this guy is not yet ready to enter a serious relationship.

it was very, very difficult to accept, cause knowing the fact the past week breezed by like a perfect heaven for me. she added, that he's just playing along and do as how most guys would cause they love the attention.

you see, that kinda freak me out.. i really like this guy, and as you said, maybe i could've found something real, for a change. i sincerely don't wanna lose him.

i called him near midnight. he answered and told me that he was on a train. (here in Japan, it is utterly disgusting to use your phone inside the train) and so he hung up, but returned my call when he got to the dormitory. asked me whether i have any problems, i don't know, my voice could've hinted that i'm messed up that night but i tried to stay calm. i said, that i was just saying hello, and i was just wondering when he might want to view that movie we promised to see. *i know that sucks, but i can't think of anything else to say.

today, i went to the Church, it's in Sophia University. i've grown fond of that Church so even though it takes more than an hour to commute and train costs something beyond imagination, i frequently visit it just to sit down and pray for God to help me. i've been like this ever since the time i filed my application to Mombusho, and we might as well say that these are just plain offshoots.

i cried so hard... i simply wished that God would make a miracle and help me with this. i cannot live on by THE RULES. it is just beyond me.

well, gtg... hope to chat again with u.

God Bless!!! and hope that tomorrow also offers you a brighter day.

-mG

Currently reading: Norwegian Wood -- great novel, i would say
Currently feeling: cynical

by Christian Bautista.

(Too bad, pang-1 week lang)

Used to seeing black and white
Never really in between
Waiting on the love of my life
To come into my dreams
Everything is shades of gray
Never really blues or green
Needed someone else to turn to
Someone who could help me learn to see
All the beauty that was waiting for me

[Chorus:]
You, you put the blue back in the sky
You put the rainbow in my eyes
A silver lining in my prayers
And now there's colour everywhere

You put the red back in the rules
Just when I needed it the most
You came along to show you care
And now there's colour everywhere
Everywhere

My life is so predictable
Never any mystery
But ever since you shined the light
All of that was history
Now I have a hand to hold
And a reason to believe
There's someone in my life worth living for
I was hanging around just wishing on a star
To put the happiness back in my heart and...

[Chorus:]
You, you put the blue back in the sky
You put the rainbow in my eyes
A silver lining in my prayers

You care and now there's colour everywhere

[Bridge:]
Left those hazy days behind me
Never to return again
Now they're just a fading memory
'Cause baby it's all so clear to see
The beauty that is waiting there for me

[Chorus:]
You, you put the blue back in the sky
You put the rainbow in my eyes
A silver lining in my prayers
And now there's colour everywhere

A silver lining in my prayers
And now there's colour everywhere
You came along to show you care
And now there's colour everywhere

-mG

Currently listening to: Colour Everywhere
Currently feeling: drained

This baito is for easy buck. But materials can be a pain to find esp if you are just using public net.

You browse the net, you get stupid subscription offers just for printing graphics.

but fortunately, some sites are friendlier than the others.

here's a list of good resource that could keep me going for the next 2 months.


http://www.esl-lounge.com/index.shtml

http://www.edhelper.com/kindergarten/Kindergarten.htm

http://www.dltk-teach.com/colors/trace/index.htm

http://www.sla.purdue.edu/fll/JapanProj/FLClipart


May they last forever

-mG

Currently reading: I've finished Norwegian Wood--I recommend it to all!
Currently feeling: creative

I have exactly 15 minutes to type this entry. You know, I have the urge to punch someone in the nose. It sucks to be in a foreign land without your own computer. I can't wait for February to come so as to get my brand new IBM Thinkpad X40 provided by my University.

Why can't this stupid arsehole from some country I don't know, realize that blogging is one of the few things that kept me in touch with my soul.

I want to write down a special entry, cause that title has been playing on my head for quite some time. I consider it special and a positively genuine realization of my status for the time being.

Thank God I came across the novels of Haruki Murakami. His works are basically erotic in nature but there's more to them than what meets the eye. Reading his 2 novels "Sputnik Sweetheart" and "Norwegian Wood" gives a sense of profoundness deep inside me. Suddenly, I want to shut myself away from the people in my immediate vicinity. I know that they are mostly my friends and I am depriving myself of the necessary companionship but in reading, I somehow achieve a certain level of maturity in me.

It's a big enigma on how come I have to go through this phase, cause it can get darn lonely. But the more I try to ask and wonder, the more I frustrate myself with relatively undying and puzzling emotions.

I know that I am ready to leave the past behind and to finally be contented despite the tough punches life has to offer me. But how come I have to ask the question and make umpteenth wishes that God cannot grant yet.

How come I am single?

Last Friday, I went partying in Roponggi Hills, got myself drunk with the tastiest cocktails and whisky in the planet, bumped and grind with some guys I managed to pick-up, and then I ended up kissing one of them.

I woke up the next day with a splitting headache and with just a lingering memory of what transpired in the earlier hours. I forced myself out of the bed by 10am, then meet my Japanese tutor to review Lesson 19 of Mina no Nihonggo.

After that I cram some more sleep for the remaining of the day. I haven't thought about what I've done until now--1 day later. 'Charge it to experience,' I told myself, and anyway it's not my first time to exchange torrid kisses with some stranger.

I guess, what has happened is for the better. Perhaps, these type of stuffs help because it's an outright deviation from my routine activities. I don't exactly feel losing my dignity nor did it depressed me. I just felt emptier by the next moment.

Nevertheless, I have a feeling that speeds up the process towards my goal. Of course, I could be wrong, but hopefully I am not.

I envisioned myself building gates just like the soldiers of ancient China, the Ming dynasty if I remember Murakami correctly. I used bones of dead soldiers for the structure. It is their belief that the spirits of the dead will continue to guard and defend them from the enemies. But these bones alone are not enough.

Afterall, they are nothing but a pile of dried-out materials. Blood must be shed and poured into these bones to glue them together.

In my case, I have worked so hard preparing and for it suffice, I have done almost everything conceivable and tangible.

The bones for my gate have been laid..

Now, the time has come to shed my own blood and douse onto the heap of bones.

There is no turning back. I just have to do what I have to do...

Meanwhile, my time's up and I have no choice but to lend this PC to other dormers.

-mG

Currently feeling: determined

(this is what i'm dying to say to this person whom i can no longer talk to or e-mail; because i swear to him and to myself the last time we met.. but if ever there is single a way to forget that promise and if it is just daijoubou with him then here goes my mail...)


is it ever appropriate to start a letter without a greeting? with you, it seems like everything i do needs to be measured and scrutinized carefully. but i know, there's is no point in beating around the bush, i'm writing because i can no longer hold back my emotions.

i am in love... or perhaps, a past tense on the verb is more fitting. it sounds disgustingly stupid to put this into writing, and worse to address it to you. i would pretty much take on the blame because this time, i have a choice, and that is NOT to write you.

but i opted to be stupid... and so before i continue i would like to make an apology. i am sorry for my weaknesses.

the guy's name is Romeo; funny right, because he's gotta same name as Abby's husband. the affair, if ever there's one lasted for a whole week. that i would say is my happiest week ever. it is the 1st time i caught a glimpse of snow, and i spent savoring all the intricate details of this experience with him.

and the next 6 days breezed by smoothly. i woke up with a shimmer of hope and vigor in my eyes. cause for the first time in my life in as many years, i've felt really, really happy. it seems like i have achieved the pinnacle of success and that i have seen all the beauty life has to offer me.

of course, you know how transparent i can be. anybody who sees me, can immediately tell what is going on inside my head--and heart. so, people noticed; common friends offered friendly and solicited advice every now and then.

sadly enough, i didn't get any form of positivity with what i'm hearing. deep inside me, i know that they're telling the truth and i believe them. but what i refuse to believe is the fact that i have to give up. it could be a false hope, but at least it is still 'hope,' something which i have lost along the memory lane.

that is when i remember the route i have taken to be able to come here to Japan. you should know cause you were part of it. you were part of all my anguish and desperate cries for help. there was a time when everybody doubted me saying that i'm rushing things a bit and that maybe it is not yet my time.

i believe in God, and that "He only wants what is best for me," the great and holy cliche'.. at that point in my life, i felt that what they're saying is absolutely true. but just the same, i feel that i can't wait any longer.

maybe, God wanted the best for me, and right now i come to realize that i could've gotten something better if only i became more patient with it. frankly speaking, i know that i deserved something better.

but you know what's amazing? despite that awareness, i wouldn't even think of trading my current situation with anything better.

i hope you see the stark parellelism with my Romeo. i don't want to give up, i hate to raise the white flag and move on with another 'and better' phase of my life. i can wait a little, to give him just enough time to grow up because he's still terribly young, all 22 years of age, and pretty messed up above. maybe, i would end up being miserable with him, and maybe as they say 'and i also believe', that i deserve someone better.

it's the same way with my studies. whenever i look at other Pinoy students here, instinctively a sense of jelousy rents my nerves and makes me wonder that i also could be in their positions in the future, if only i waited. but no sooner do i reminisce the way i chased my dreams and how i made a virtual impossiblity into a real happening, would i forget all my apprehensions.

i am here right now, because i choose to be; and with that i am contented and at peace with myself.

i don't know if there is a point in asking for your advice, because you may not even reach reading until this stage. but if ever you had the patience and haven't trashed this mail yet, then i guess that i would like you to write just some few words. of course, i could be wrong, but i have always known you for being 80% positive, 15% insightful, and a 5% grumpy man, (but with the sympathetic heart deep inside.)

finally, just like the way i have begun this letter, i would spare you with trivial endings and sincerity jargons.



-mG

Currently listening to: I turn to you by Christina Aguilerra
Currently feeling: mellow

while romeo's busily chatting with some buddy on his vodafone (with that impeccable Nihoggo grammar of his); i decided to browse through Eric's web blog in Multiply. I wasn't surprise that he's already been writing one since he's basically my 1st website partner way back in 2001.

hey, remember our linux-ring in Angelfire.com?

well, what can i say? he's been doing a pretty decent job on his craft. it also seems like he's been making most of his Nihon no keiken.

which brings us to the point i want to stress on this entry. can u believe this? in a span of less than 48 hours, i have uploaded 4 entries.

so, let us just say that i'm blogging my life away.. i love to write, a trait which does not take a genius to decipher. and i love to draw out the details of all the nooks and crannies that has ocurred and every trifling feeling enveloped within. but sometimes, instead of going outside and exploring a wider horizon, i find myself in the solace of a Public PC and typing anything and everything i feel.

i would love to go to the nearby onsen, but unfortunately Romeo's been too busy to ever fulfill his promise on taking me there. of course, i could always go there by myself but i am simply that type of person who would let other people keep their promises.

i am also dying to visit Odaiba, but then again something holds me back. i like to reserve that moment for a special date with no one in particular. well, some of my "Fifty 1st dates" guys have asked me to go there some time, but it seems there's a very remote possibility of hearing from them again. just for the record, there are 3 of them-- Naoritsu, Schun, and Sivfy--well, the hell with them!!

Disney's case the same as the preceeding one, so no need to elaborate on it.

Well, besides those places that i want to visit, i really don't have any strong Japanese activity for my iterinary. you see, there are many stuffs organized by Sifa on this dorm but i'm mostly not that interested.

i might sound cranky but really these Ikebana and Tea Ceremony stuffs sound sissy to me. I simply don't give a damn with Koto, Karate, or some Ninja stunt lessons. I mean, they might be fascinating to a tourist and any foreigner for that matter; but I simply don't have the eye and heart for them.

oh well, my fingers are numb freezing because i'm typing in the dorm's lobby which is without a heater.


-mG

Currently listening to: Kelan Kaya? by Christian Bautista
Currently reading: Elliptic Curves by Anthony Knapp
Currently feeling: numb

(supposedly, i am aiming for February to type this entry. but i cannot be spared from the torment of another dragging Thursday i have to spend alone.)

i was in the ym with my friend Lan when the heated conversation about her nth breakup with her bf died down. amidst the lull, i type down the following words:

"Alam mo, napapadalas ang pag-visit ko sa site ni Lloyd Nebres?"

when i hit the enter key, my nerves quickly reacted with the text i saw. i can't believe my eyes--God!! no! i don't mean Lloyd. that time i was browsing through Eric's website on angelfire. despite the fact that it's mostly regarding "star worship," it gives a very detailedl account of our tender years in college as a BS Mathematics students.

well, it is not as if i haven't seen Lloyd's name on that site, but i never even intended to view his site for years now. anyway, unlike other names of people that i write here, i would do better than conceal him under an anonymity scheme. afterall, he's already a famous figure amongst blogging community and somehow, i might even want him to see this.

after i explained my boo boo to Lan and a dozen other smilies, i asked,

"well, i hope you still remember Lloyd?"

on which she replied postively.

anyway, a few weeks ago, i tried to figure out the main turning point of my life: the very moment that spells the difference between living a healthy and normal life and what i am doing right now.

and just yesterday, i answered yet another survey in Friendster about my worst experience ever. i know a handful events in my list but it took me a while to figure out what actually tops it. i jot down the following sentences:

it's the time when i got my undergraduate degree in 3 and 1/2 years, with honors and from the most prestigious university in my country, and couldn't better than be jobless for 7 months. i remember that i only have P20,000 worth of lifetime savings to live by and i've spent a significant fraction of it enrolling for my Masters courses.

actually, re-typing this once again is sickening enough for me to lost my appetite for my bruncher. (it's already 4pm now, JST, and i haven't taken a single bite for the day.)

going back, well lloyd can write very well. in fact, he writes so well, i can hardly understand him. it's as if, he's on a totally different level--far away from my comprehesion capacity. well, the truth is, i haven't really read his much- acclaimed enrty on "you know who." i remember, telling eric about it, and then the rest shall we say was rest history.

when eric saw that page he was touched and that spawned hundred of hours work on creating his shrine. *lolz* i guess, i also did that.

but i have no personal regrets. these things should happen once-in-a-while for some specific reason or another or perhaps just to break the mundane.

however, i kinda envy Eric because he's still got all of the chronicles intact on a much viewed site, where the past, present, and future can converge in the most painless and effective fashion.

one time, i said to eric:

if only Lloyd can see your site, i wonder what he'll say.. don't you think we overdid it?

this is an excerpt from eric's page;

I see one being the other's Best Man in his wedding. Being the ninong (godfather) of his first born son. Our wives to be will also be great friends as well. I might even name my first son after him. Altair John, his full first name supposedly.

by golly, how could i've missed writing that before? it is another desperate desire of mine.

whenever i envision my wedding day, i see him as my ninong and despite of being kuripot he'll still give the best present of all--his presence.

i see him being friends with my husband, giving him advices on financial and personal matters. i see him helping us raise our son, of which he's godfather to. i see him calling me in the middle of the night just to check whether we're alright. i see him, lending his cooking expertise because both me and my husband can't cook.

i see us, having a picnic with our children playing in the grassy park behind Quezon Hall. i see him strumming the guitar with his classy straight from the gut activists tunes. i see us having an entirely good time with each other's company. i even see myself being friends with his wife.

i saw too much.. eric saw too much...

that was the mistake. Lloyd never meant it that way. he writes something hardcore, something we cannot understand, and then we try to imitate with our version and sound like bloody hell.

yeah, i wonder about Lloyd.. cause i still remember...

-mG

Currently reading: GTO Manga volume 4
Currently feeling: relaxed

(since i am also a Tagalog tutor right now, i guess i have to brush up my skills on the language by imposing a mandatory entry on "Sa ating wikang bernakular" at least twice a month.)

kanina, habang nasa dinner table ay napag-usapan naming mga OFW ang showbiz sa Pinas. well, natural lang naman siguro na merong konting generation gap na mamagitan dahil halos isang dekada na ang pagitan namin ni Kuya Ed.

madalas kase kung napag-uusapan ang mga naging sikat sa kanya-kanyang panaho'y di sinasadyang nalalait niya ang mga personalidad na gusto ko.

noong minsan ganito pa nga ang nasabi niya:

Yung N'Sync-- parang gusto kong tuktukan yun..

napraning kameng lahat sa aming narinig. nakakagulat kase kung kilala mo si Kuya Ed, alam mong very qualified siyang maging Pastor. Yun bang kulang na lang ay magtayo siya ng Christian congregation dito sa Tokyo.

pagkatapos kanina naman sinabi niya na asar na asar siya kay Jolina. hindi naman sa fan ako ni Jolina at lalung hindi ako ang ganung tipo ng tao.

nagkataon lang na may insidente sa buhay ko kung saan tinanggap ko ang label ng pagiging Jolina fan. siguro, it's time to reminisce a little.

year 2001 yata iyon at eto pa yung mga times na matino-tino pa kame ni "You know who." tapos nagkita yata kame sa labas ng Computer lab. (take note ha, nagkita kame unexpectedly at di ko sha inistalk.)

di ko na maalala kung ano ang tinanong ko sa kanya pero may hawak ako noong plastic case file. alam nyo yun, uso yun kapag medyo OZ ka at ayaw mong malukot at magulo ang mga dokumento mo.

kaya lang, di ko akalain na nailagay ko rin pala roon yung Jolina CD na bigay sakin ni Jo para sa bday ko.

habang kinakausap ko si "you know who," bigla siyang napatingin dun sa case file ko at bigla siyang umimik, "JOLINA MAGDANGAL," ang malakas niyang sambit.

shet!! sabi ko sarili ko. kaso inulit-ulit pa niya. damn it talaga at di ko na maipaliwanag ang naramdaman ko nang panahong iyon. syempre pa, KRASS ko siya kaya laking jahe. hindi naman siya tumatawa that time, pero parang nang-aalaska ang titig niya. shet talga!

nang ikwento ko ito sa aking mga berks, syempre pa laking hagikgikan. kaya nga ayun, binansagan na akong Jolina. kaya sa tuwing na Videoke kame, at may kanta si Jolens dun, ipapakanta talaga sa kin.

well, in fairness, maliban dun sa "Tameme" at "Paper Roses," meron namang matitinong kanta si Jolina. Tulad na nga nung pag-revive niya ng "A Million Miles Away." at feeling ko yung "Laging Tapat."

sige, laiitin nyo, hinahamon ko kayo!! Stalk back!

Currently reading: Deception Point by Dan Brown
Currently feeling: amused

just tell me-- coz maybe i'm not..

i really don't know. honestly, now find myself asking that question.

God knows that I wanna do it with him. He knows, cause he's been toying with that topic every chance we get some time to chat. He notices my tension and restlessness. As they say, it won't take a genius to read through my head. I am as transparent as anyone can be.

he's been enjoying the subtlety of my seduction but he's not gonna make the first move. i think i can also see through his actions. it's a game, but he doesn't want any blame in the end.

well, if only i can tell him that i'm also willing to play. hmmm, perhaps no! cause i feel for him, and somehow i don't wanna lose him because of that. slowly, i am being engulfed into this feeling, and soon it would simply be impossible to do it.

guilt sets in and then it would just be too awkward. we know that case of "you know who"-- when it reaches the point when he became so indespensible and my life threads to his. after that point, i know that we can never ever do it.

now, will somebody please convince me that i am no longer a virgin???

-mG

Currently reading: The Murder of Roger Ackroyd by Agatha Christie
Currently feeling: uncomfortable

by L'ArcEnCiel

当目い　な　雫　は　あなた　可憐　な　水　の　ね
toumei na shizuku wa anata karen na mizu no ne
煌く　よう　に　揺れる　波紋　は　春　の　余寒
kirameku you ni yureru hamon wa haru no yokan
目覚め　の　呪文
mezame no jumon

崩れ　落ちて　行く　積み上げた　防壁　の　向こう　で　は
kuzure ochite yuku tsumiageta bouheki no mukou de
は
wa
外　あの　日　の　僕　が　我ってた
soto ano hi no boku ga waratteta

不思議　だ　ね　さび付いて　止っていた　時　が
fushigi da ne sabitsuite tomatteita toki ga
この　世界　に　も　朝　を　告げて　くれる　よ
kono sekai ni mo asa o tsugete kureru yo

-sou hitomi tozashitenai de yoku mitsumete mite
mafuyu ni saita shiroi yuki no hana ni ima nara ki ga tsuku hazu-

furi hodoke nakatta zujou no kumo wa sakete
kooritsuku daichi ni wa hisoyaka ni irozuita
toritachi no habataki ga hitobito no utagoe ga
hibiki hajimete mune o kogasu yo
soshite eien no sora no shita shizundeta fuukei ni yasashii emi de
kaze ni fukareru anata ga ita

togireta re-ru o e no gu de tsugita shitara
azayaka na ashita ga ugokidashita

unmei wa fushigi da ne sabitsuite tomatteita toki ga
kono sekai ni mo asa o tsugete kureru yo
arukidasu bokutachi ni atataka na yuki ga furisosoi deita
shukufuku sareta you ni rararurara rararurara rararurara
anata wa maru de shiroi be-ru o kabutta you da ne

Currently feeling: quixotic

expression for the day!
hirap nang bobo sa Nihonggo na yan. kung anu-anong lumalabas sa bibig ko.

tasukete dayo!

-mG

Currently reading: Life of Pi by Yann Martel
Currently feeling: silly

by Dido,

*i wonder why is it that everytime i hear her voice, i'm reminded of Mari.. i think that's the weirdest notion ever, but quite true.

I haven't ever really found a place that I call home
I never stick around quite long enough to make it
I apologize that once again I'm not in love
But it's not as if I mind
that your heart ain't exactly breaking

It's just a thought, only a thought

But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

I've always thought
that I would love to live by the sea
To travel the world alone
and live more simply
I have no idea what's happened to that dream
Cos there's really nothing left here to stop me

It's just a thought, only a thought

But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

If my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

While my heart is a shield and I won't let it down
While I am so afraid to fail so I won't even try
Well how can I say I'm alive

If my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

If my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine
Cos nothing I have is truly mine
Cos nothing I have is truly mine
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

-mG

Currently listening to: I'm with you by Avril Lavigne
Currently feeling: refreshed