It all started with that phrase "An elliptic curve is NOT an ellipse.." that very same phrase which prompted the beginning of a saga--the quest that will change my life forever.

I wonder and ponder for a split second...the rest, I would say is rest history.

i traced the curve with my fingertips. he said it looks like Casper's head. I disagree. Forgetting all of my horny tendencies, I deduce that it's shaped like a drop--SHIZUKU ?, the very title of this blog.

Now resting in my hands is a copy of the book of Anthony Knapp entitled "Elliptic Curves" Last weekend is a crossroad for me; I've been blessed with this opportunity to choose what I would want to study in Japan. Of course, there are a lot of limitations and restrictions imposed.

But I could have opted for Cryptography, which I would say is my personal favorite; or Coding Theory, which what he likes the most right now; or something connected with Riemann's hypothesis which undoubtedly is my far-fetch 'dream-on' dream; or even Algebraic Number Theory, which offered the last bubble of romance with him; of course these fields are intertwined one way or another but why elliptic curves, in particular?

Because I realized that it's some sort of an unfinished business for me. I always placed that figure on my behalf without knowing what it really means. Again, as I said so many times, "I only know what it isn't, but I don't know what it is!" For me, it just looks cool and geeky but nothing beyond what meets the eye.

I remember one time my math major barkada tried to assign to each one of us a graph of a mathematical function that describes our lovelife. One of us got the sinusoidal graph, because her relationship with men is periodic, one moment it's like cloudnine, the next day is hell; meanwhile another girl got the graph of a step function because it is constant on some intervals whilst discontinuous at certain points; one male friend got the asymptotic graph because they would never ever meet; a single point is assigned to this loyal friend of mine who only got his eyes set for one special girl;

it's such a curious and joyous scenario that i immediately asked what's for me, in which they nonchalantly replied, "Imaginary graph! because you always live in a different world of your imaginations!"

I breathe a sigh of disgust. That could be partly true, but somehow I hate the thought that's how I am perceived--even by my friends.

Of course for my personal taste, I handpicked the graph of an elliptic curve to represent not just my lovelife but my whole self. But why elliptic curves?

I cannot give an honest answer right now. Maybe, I haven't thought about it yet.

But somehow it feels right...

somehow it fits me perfectly...

somehow the saga started with it,

and should end with it too...

The quest continues--that's why elliptic curves..


-mG

You Are Avril Lavigne! A bit hardcore on the outside... But sweet and sensitive on the inside. "It's a damn cold night Trying to figure out this life" Who's Your Inner Rock Chick? Take This Quiz Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

by: Maroon Forever

This Love
whisphered goodbye i got on the plane
never to return again
but he's always in my heart
this love has taken its toll on me
he said good bye to many times before..


He Will be Loved
beauty queen of only 18
she had some troubles with herself
he was always there to help her
he always belong to someone else..
i don't mind spending everyday
out of your corner in the pouring rain
looks for the man with the perfect smile
ask him if she wants to stay awhile
and he will be loved..


Tangled
would you ever turn your head and look
see if I'm gone
cause I fear
there is nothing left to say to you
that you wanna hear
that you ought to know
i think I should go
i don't know i got so tangled up



Must get out
I'm lifting you up
I'm letting you down
I'm dancing till dawn
I'm fooling around
I'm not giving up
I'm making your love
This city's made us crazy
And we must get out


Sunday Morning
sunday morning rain is falling
steal some covers share some skin
clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable
i twist to fit the mold that you are in
but things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do
and i would gladly hit the road get up and go if I knew
that someday it would bring me back to you..


Through With You
cause saying I love you
has nothing to do with meaning it



Not Coming Home
does it make you sad
to find yourself alone
and does it make you mad
to find that i have grown
i'll bet it hurts so bad
to see the strength that i have shown
when you answer the door pick up the phone
you won't find me cause i'm not coming home


Sweetest Goodbye
where you are seems to be
as far as an eternity
outstretched arms open hearts
and if it never ends then when do we start?
i'll never leave you behind
or treat you unkind
i know you understand
and with a tear in my eye
give me the sweetest goodbye
that i ever did receive


Ragdoll
i think you should just go away cause
there's no neccesity for you to stay and
next time you come around my way
forget it baby your not comin in
a heart made for a lot of sorrow
no you cant come back tomorrow
shut my windows, lock my doors
cause my heart won't be your rag doll anymore

-mG

Currently feeling: exanimate

after 2 months of stay in Japan, I finally got the guts to visit Yotsuya and repay my debts to Saint Ignatius.

i always think that my life is cinematic in one way or another and that it creates such a poignant atmosphere to shoot a transitional scene from Ateneo University to Sophia-Daigaku.

I saw visions of myself trekking across the green lawns of Katipunan with the strong scent of freshly-trimmed grass entering my nostrils. I got tired jogging and with a dashed of perspiration on my fevered brow, i decided to rest for a second in the hallowed halls of the Gesu.

Then calmly we shift the scene to burning mix of asphalts and cement at Yotsuya eki whence suddenly I emerged from an oblivious hurrying crowd exiting the train of JR Chuo line.

from the bottom of my heart i swear that it feels like a deja vu! it's as if my eyes serves as a pair of windows through this new world--only i cannot extinguish rabid memories through them before..

or could it be that this is more of a futuristic psychic precognition? that something crux is about to happen there? maybe, it's too early to decipher.

i didn't attend the mass (which to may dismay was conducted in Nihonggo) but instead went inside St. Xavier chapel to solemnly pray and asked God for enlightenment and repentance. two minutes later, i was choking in tears.

i felt so helpless...

and alone (which i really was, at that time)

i prayed harder and contemplate more on the blessings of God rather than focus on my shortcomings. although that wasn't enough to give me some peace of mind, i felt somehow relieved just by the whisking thought of my mere existence on that place--Sophia U--that place which i would regard to as sacred from hereon.

like a flaring meteor entering the earth's atmoshere, i recognized a flicker of hope ahead.


-mG

Currently feeling: contemplative

one of my accomplishments which i'm most proud of is how i obtained my driver's license! inspite of the bare fact that i'm a Filipino who was born and raised in the Philippines, where red tape is more often than not prevalent, i opt for the road less travelled when i applied for my non-pro. it's simply a matter of P1000-P2500 to let it get 'fix' by a fixer but instead i buckled up for righteousness.

i took the exam: 40 questions--you get more than 10 mistakes, you go back next month and repeat with the same lenghty procedures! i took it to heart! i swear, i treated it like it was UPCAT! it's NOT my option to fail!

boom! i got 39 out of 40 questions correctly! it was indeed a marvelous score but i'm pissed by making a mistake cause i was sure about all of my answers. anyway, to cut it short, i just want to say that i'm a theoretically INTELLIGENT driver, and after several months of accident-free driving i guess i also became a practical one!

fast forward to my Tokyo life (WITHOUT a CAR):

can anybody tell me how come i was tagged last night by parking violation ticket? maybe, i was a bit careless in tossing my bike in the lot but by golly, everybody DOES it here. and besides, i have been parking on that same place for a whole month so i thought it was perfectly legal.

but that's not the worse part of it. some nutty prankster deflated my rear tire forcing me to drag my bike from the station to the dorminatory which is about 1.5 km in distance. and what a bad timing it was; i overstayed in the campus busily updating my blog until 21:30. as u know, the winter season is nearing and night time almost always spell body frost!!!

now, i really missed my Jason!

-mG

zutto nagameteita
tooku osanai koro kara
ima mo iro aseta sono keshiki wa
masshiro na kabe ni kazatte aru

kawaita kaze o karamase
anata o tsureteku no sa
honey so sweet kagirinai yume o
kono ryoute ni tsukande

korogatte yuku michi de
sukoshi ikareta dake sa
fukai itami wa torenai kedo
sonna kanashii me o shinai de

kawaita kaze o karamase
anata o tsureteku no sa
honey so sweet shinjite hoshii
kono sekai ga uso demo

i want to fly, waitin' for sunrise

itsudemo itsudemo
amai amai egao ni tokete itai

unmei ga boku o tsukande
atari wa kasundeku kedo
fusaganai de kikoeru darou
ano basho ga yonderu
kawaita kaze o karamase
anata o tsureteku no sa
honey so sweet kagirinai yume o
kono ryoute ni tsukande

i want to fly, waitin' for sunrise
i want to fly, waitin' for sunrise


DRIVER's HIGH!!

熱くなった銀のメタリックハート
導火線に火をつけてあげる
不思議なほどハイな気分さ
砂埃を巻き上げて行こう

atsukunatta gin no metallic heart
doukasen ni hi o tsuketa ageru
fushigi na hodo high na kibun sa
sunabokori o makiageate yukou


悲鳴をまじらせ暴走する鼓動
目の前にはミサイルの雨

himei o majirase bousou suru kodou
me no mae ni wa missile no ame


アドレナリンずっと流して
僕の方がオーバーヒートしそう
爆発して灰になっても
このままだと笑ってるね　きっと

adrenaline zutto nagashite
boku no hou ga over heat shisou
bakuhatsu shite hai ni natte mo
kono mama da to waratteru ne kitto


街を追い越して　この世の果てまで
ぶっ飛ばして心中しよう　さぁ手を伸ばして！

machi o oikoshite kono yo no hate made
bu tobashite shinjuu shiyou saa te o nobashite!


地平線に届くように限界まで振り切ってくれ
Woh! Clash! Into the rolling morning
Flash! I'm in the coolest driver's high
最高のフィナーレを! Yeah!

chiheisen ni todoku you ni
genkai made furikitte kure
Woh! Clash! into the rolling morning
Flash! I'm in the coolest driver's high
saikou no finale o! yeah!


もう数えるぐらいで僕らは消え失せて真暗な朝が来るね
お気に入りの服に　さぁ着がえたなら駆け出して！

mou kazoeru kurai de bokura wa kieusete makkura no asa ga kuru ne
o ki ni iri fuku ni saa kigaeta nara kakedashite!


あきれるほど声を上げて大気圏を突破しようぜ
Woh! Clash! Into the rolling morning
Flash! I'm in the coolest driver's high
鋼の翼で

akireru hodo koe o agete taikiken o toppa shiyou ze
Woh! Clash! into the rolling morning
Flash! I'm in the coolest driver's high
hagame no tsubasa de


駆け抜けてよ時間切れまで生まれつきのスピード狂なのさ
Woh! Clash! Into the rolling morning
Flash! I'm in the coolest driver's high
来世でまた会おう Yeah!

kakenukete yo jikan kire made umaretsuki no speed kyou na no sa
Woh! Clash! into the rolling morning
Flash! I'm in the coolest driver's high
raise de mata aou yeah!

-mG

come whatever happens to the callow romance in store on my last week's entry, it appears to offer a slight sense of forebodement to that person involved--meaning "you know who?"

if it is not seen as totally vague, then pretty surely it will be regarded again as some sort of a desperate attempt on him. that wouldn't sound too preposterous considering the way he thinks about me.

but drop down the ludicrous opinions. i am convinced that it's all over--his chapters are finished--it has nothing to do with him anymore--this time, it's all about me!!

i began to ponder what have i really done so far. it's true that i'm now in Japan and that change of scenery soothe my nerves for quite a while. but somehow, i've been dragged down by the endless emotion that NOTHING HARDLY CHANGED since I arrived here.

there are differences; the the climate for instance and the unthinkable language barrier, but when i look at myself, i'm still the very same person (loser) i used to be.

although i have more money right now this somehow begets a feeling of guilt on my conscience.. somehow, i am remorseful of the fact that finances ever become entagled to my reasons for holding on--I AM HERE FOR THE MONEY!!!

i am usually in bereft of understanding to people who live for the sake of cash or credit, but somehow, i am being engulfed in this passion.

beside that lure of money which i highly despise, i see only one other reason why i should stay here--PRIDE, another dirty word! there is still that engrossed competitor within me, and i simply refused to accept that i am really a loser.

i felt a lump in my throat to realize that some person's gonna be stealing away my dreams from right under my nose. i know myself well, i hate to lose on something which i'm good at.

yesterday, i decided to shoot some basketballs, and as my gaze left the sight of my wrist, i heard the swoosh of the net in unison with the clang of my bangles. 9 out of 10 times from beyond the arc--i still got it in me!! that feels uplifting for 2 minutes, after that the contemplation mood settles and frustrates.

if i had stuck it out with being a shooter rather than pursue a different calling, i wonder where i would've been right now. i believe there are only 2 things i'm good at in this world--shooting baskets and Number Theory!! but i would not have discovered the latter if i hadn't let go of the former.

that's why i'm in a quandary right now. it appears that i am being unfair to myself by ever thinking about quitting; on the other hand, what if there is really something out there for me--and better!

i thumbed through my copies of GTO--yes, that flipped Manga character is one of my greatest inspiration as a teacher. i recalled his lines, "just be a teacher... for life" that touched a nerve. being a teacher has very little to do with mathematics but somehow they complement each other perfectly. GTO made me realized what i want to do in my life.

(this is being type in real time) i decide to allot some more time for myself being taking the plunge--6 months--should be enough to arrive at a courageous decision. six months is precisely the time i spent waiting in agony to come here, i guess, something good or drastic would happen and make me cross the bridge...

meanwhile, if there is no bridge--then we DON'T CROSS!!

-mG

Currently feeling: tired

God! if ever my cookies on this PC expires, then i'm a dead meat!! Tabulas.com was hacked. i'm not sure who did it but some sort of Simens group probably. engraved on the homepage is a psychosonic image and Portuguese text engravings below. looks creepy and a 99% hack!

if this is indeed true then i guess it's time to switch to another blog provider. i'm thinking about xanga, livejournal, or return back to my blogspot.

-mG

Currently feeling: crushed

when i wrote my study and research plan on my scholarship application, i never thought that it will literally be true.

i felt stupid onthat essay but needless to say, and i'll say it anyway; they bought what supposedly is a concoction of lies and metaphors and here i am making curbside prophecies on fulfilling my promise.

mark my words: 8 days, 8 uneventful days--5 pocketbooks!

Dec 8 - Dec 9 : Curtain, Agatha Christie

Dec 9 - Dec 11 : Poirot investigates, Agatha Christie

Dec 12 - Dec 13: Angel's and Demons, Dan Brown

Dec 15 - Dec 16: Spider's web, Agatha Christie

Dec 16: The Notebook, Nicholas Sparks

Oh, just what the hell am i doing with my Tokyo experience? Should have stayed home, and the results would have been similar, afterall.

-mG

Currently feeling: listless

there is a surrealistic harmony the moment my fingers graced this object; for sure one day it is gonna be mine.

i never thought that it will take less than one.

i've had early apprehensions and until now i'm still wondering whether it was well-worth my hard-earned 50 'man.' i am so poor right now, i only have 5 'sen' as cash, and i'm worried on how i can survive for some considerable fraction of 2 days.

duh! it's not that it gives me a fever pitch kind of excitement, but basically i bought it out of necessity. i opted for this 'high end' model because i am very much aware on how quickly technology advance especially here in Tokyo, Japan and i don't want my camera to look archaic after say, 2 months.

i wish that come July 2005, my digicam is still in a respectable wave. i surely don't want to climb Mt. Fuji with my picture taken using something defunct. i will keep my fingers crossed that something slow down the techy gurus and impede new inventions and renovations.


-mG

Currently feeling: awake

something's terribly wrong or has gone wrong. only the descriptions are beyond any words in my limited vocabulary.

the pungent odor of my perfume burned my nostrils badly enough to trigger my congenital nasal infection (if there is such one called!)

but that misfortune is not the sad state of captivity i am talking about. it's just that i reckoned that i was so in love last night. i'm sure i am, cause the thoughts are still playing on my head as i was listening to my portable mp3 player whilst boarded inside the train. i can tell cause i am enthused with this feeling--with Peter Pan spewing some flying powder on my face.

and then some kind of a vendetta dawned on me..

i received this kind warning from some anononymous acquaintance (pardon the oxymoron) he mentioned how miserable my life would be if i would have this kind of diligent relationship with a very a important person for my stay here. you know how we call it, Mombusho DR scholars are basically sensei-centric. I hate to use that compound but it most fitting.

he's not totally bad, and in fact, 79% of the time he is kind and considerate enough to earn my affection. but for the other 21%, i can only compensate my raging wrath by being a stubborn hard-ass.

i was late for the 5th time, that is if my count is still accurate -- this is something wholly considered as a dreadful taboo in a japanese society. frankly speaking, i could hardly care if i get scolded to apologize to his heart's content. of course i did murmured some reparitions, but my tone obviously does not suggest any form of sincerity in it.

sometimes, i envision myself doing something more drastic than being oblivious. it feels like i have so much rebellious symptoms trapped within my soul. i see that it is some sort of a measure to be able to leave my sorrowful and nagging past.

perhaps, it's the only way left for me to undertake...


-mG

Currently feeling: enraged

*just a teaser for the title*

i've been on a dry spell for the longest time and this feeling frustrates the flesh within.

kidding aside, hooking up with a stranger or a friend does not sound so sinful if you only consider one's scenario. i mean, try to imagine how disgusted a person can get all alone on a biting cold night like this.

as my new passphrase said:

i am not too old -- but i am old enough to be lonely;
i am young -- but not young enough to be single !!



-mG

Currently feeling: devious

For once, let us take a break from the virtual sophomoric tantrums which has embraced this blog's theme for the past entries. i guess, it's time to dwell on something bubbly but not necessarily light.

although my stay here has been marked by ocassional depressions and lunacies, my appetite hasn't diminish for a moment. in fact, i become so much of a hearty eater that layers of fat are now perceptible on my once reed thin body.

some foreigners may be disgusted with Japanese food but i'm different. i'm just like a cat and loves eating sushi and raw fish. however, most of my overeatings happens in the dormitory where my fellow Pinoys cook mouth-watering delicacies. for the first time in my life, i think that Sinigang na hipon is delicious.

besides the food, the climate contributes its fair share since the temperature outside voids any possibilities of getting outdoor exercise like jogging or brisk walking. the warm and cozy gym at the dorm looks enticing but nothing beats treading through paths, stones, and even cobblestones.

i tried playing hoops with some yuppies from Roponggi courtesy of Kuya Eddie. Holy Sassafras, the gymnasium in Ebisu looks more grand than any court i have ever seen in the Philippines!! My lips promised to show a glitch of smile if only Danny Ildefonso can see where I'm playing right now. He will probably regard his Green Meadows as hell!

Those pick-up games gave me some chance to shed off some unwanted pounds but it's still a long way before i get back into my old shape.

-mG

Currently feeling: quixotic

This is my first time to spend Christmas away from the Philippines and I spent it in Osaka.

There is an unavoidable perk of fascination and a weirdness, also inexplicable. The biting coldness of the wind capped with the alien environment but the usual pinch of melancholy--Oh God!! what am i suppose to do?

I fell on my knees, sadly waiting for God to see through my soul and grant my very wish. He knows it, but I feel that He is not convinced enough to help me. I don't know how much loneliness immersion should I have to endure before..

I'm in Osaka right now, but I left some part of me in Tokyo! Lord, Jesus, help me, bless me, and save me!

-mG
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Currently feeling: thankful

i promise to stop chasing every temporary high that satisfies for a minute or two then bursts into bubbles afterwards.

let us just try and see whether it could be effective and improve my quality of life for year 2005. hope that i would be able to stick with my promise.

ganbarimasu!

-mG

Currently feeling: pensive

Lord,

Unang araw ng 2005. Unang pagkakataon rin po na nagdiriwang akong malayo sa aking pamilya. Narito na ako sa Japan, isang bagay na labis kong pinangarap noong isang taon. Walang mga putukan, walang amoy ng usok na kumakapit sa buhok at damit, wala rin ang mga nakagawiang tradisyon ng mga Pilipino.

Pero eto ako, feeling ko nga OFW ako. Kase nag me-medya noche ako sa piling ng iba ring Pinoy na malayo sa kanilang mga mahal sa buhay. Kwentuhan, konting alak, at sharing ng mga hinanakit sa buhay.

Kung tutuusin naman Lord, mas gusto ko naman ito. Hindi ko naman po gaanong nami-miss ang Pinas. Kahit nga po si 'you know who', siguro minsan nababanggit ko na nami-miss ko sha, pero alam nyo namang hindi naman talaga. Siguro medyo may sakit pa rin kapag inalala ko ang nakaraan pero sa totoo lang, di na naman big deal sa akin yun.

Malamang, wala lang kaseng iba kaya di maiwasang masabi ko na naiisip ko pa sha. Ganon lang ako siguro ako ka-pride. Parang mas ok pa nasaktan na lang ako kesa namang sabihing wala. Corny naman kase ng buhay kung ang tanda-tanda mo na tapos wala ka pa ring nae-experience na ganon.

Pero honestly Lord, kaya ko nang sabihin sa inyo from the bottom of my heart na wala na talaga. As in, isa lang naman po ang kulang sa buhay ko na idinadaing ko na ipagkaloob ninyo. Inaamin ko po sa inyo na higit pa sa nararamdaman ko, talagang kailangan ko na talaga iyon. Alam nyo naman, di ba? Ang tagal-tagal ko nang ipinagdarasal. Wag nyo naman po sanang ipagdamot.

Lord, pls naman po. Kung sa tingin nyo ay hindi pa oras, well ito lang po ang sasabihin ko. Sa pagkakataong ito ay pangungunan ko po Kayo. Eh ano naman po kung ipagkaloob nyo sa akin sa maling panahon? Eh ano naman kung di pa ako ready? Lord, matanda na naman ako. Kung hindi ako ready, kaya ko naman maging ready sa proseso.

Lord, marami na po akong napagdaanan. Eto na lang po, pls ang hinihiling ko sa inyo. Kung matigas ang ulo ko at mapahamak ako sa huli, e hindi ko po kayo sisihin. Gusto ko po ito at kailangan ko na po talaga.

Para nyo na naman pong awa, Lord. For 2005, eto na lang siguro ang hiling ko at wala nang iba.

Promise po!

-mG

Currently feeling: sad