i-Filipino natin para walang makaintindi rito.

ang tagal ko pong pinangarap ito. sa loob ng mahigit isang taon, ang buhay na ito ang siyang aking pinakamimithi. ilang gabi rin ang aking ipinuhunan na ilamay upang maipagdasal sa lahat ng birhen at santo na makarating ako rito sa bansang Hapon.

Gayong, malaking pagbabago sa aking buhay ang aking tinatamasa sa kasalukuyan, unti-unti ko na ring natatanto ang aking kasawian. narito ako sa bansang ito bilang isang Monbusho scholar--ayon nga sa akin unang nabanggit, isang bagay na kay tagal kong hinintay. Subalit, nagliliwanag na sa aking isipan na ito'y panakip-butas lamang sa tunay na dahilan ng aking paglagi rito. Bago ako lumulan sa eroplano patungo rito, pinangako ko sa aking sarili na magkakaroon ako ng isang panibagong buhay at lilimutin kong lahat ng sakit at kabiguan sa aking nakaraan. umasa ako sa isang matiwasay na kinabukasan, sa isang umagang kailanma'y hindi ko nakita sa aking inang bayan.

Hindi ko ikukubli na hinahangad ko rin ang kumita ng salapi. Batid kong isa ito sa mga nangungunang dahilan kung bakit mataas ang bilang ng mga OFW, dahil na rin sa kakulangan ng magagandang oportunidad sa Pilipinas. Nariyan ang lumalalang crisis ng ekonomiya at politika. Sino nga ba naman ang gusto pang lumagi sa bansang yaon bukod doon sa mga nakakaangat ng posisyong sosyal.

Ngunit, ayokong masyadong dibdibin ang mga bagay na ito. Kahit na minsa'y nagmamadali ako sa buhay, alam ko pa ring bata pa ako, at nais kong tingnan ang mundo mula sa inosenteng perspektibo ng isang musmos. Nais kong maging 'oblivious' sa bagay na ito, at ibaling ang aking mga nagbabagang emosyon sa aking pagkatao.

siguro nga'y hindi ito ang inasahan ko, at marahil hindi rin naman ito ang pinangako sa akin mula sa salaysay ng mga taong tinahak na ang landas na ito. expected nga siguro ang ma-LOST IN TRANSLATION ka rito, at kahit saan naman sigurong lugar ka pumunta'y mararanasan mo iyon. pero ang hiling ko lang sana naman bigyan rin ako ng panahon na matutunan ang lenggwahe nila. marami akong kasabay na pinoy rito, at nariyan nga ang mga senpai ko nag-aalaga sa akin. kaya nakakapraning isipin na ako lamang ang may ganitong kaso. Gusto ko pong matuto, walang duda: ngunit maliban kay Rizal at sa mga likas na henyo, kailangan ko rin naman po ng oras sa aking pag-aaral. Mas mabisa kung makakapasok ako sa isang intensive class tulad ng mga kasabay ko.

nauunawaan ko na hindi nga naman ako language major at may abilidad na ako at least sa basic survival japanese. kaya ko nang magpunta sa mga lugar-lugar ng hindi nawawala dahil nakakapagtanong na naman ako. kaya ko na ring umorder sa restauran, mamili sa grocery, dahil nakakabasa naman ako kahit paano ng characters nila. kaya ko ring makipag-usap kahit na mababaw na kaswal lamang. kaya ko ang mga bagay na ito, pero para sa akin hindi ito sapat para makapamuhay ako ng normal dito. mas maraming pinapagawa sa akin na milya-milya ang lagpas sa kakayahan ko. unang-una'y kinakailangan kong magbasa at sumulat ng e-mail sa nihonngo. ikalawa, karamihan sa mga klase rito ay nasa nihonggo. ikatlo, hindi ako makausap mabuti ng mga tao sa aking paligid. imposible tuloy na magkaroon ng isang fruitful relationship sa aking mga kaklase.

marami pang bumabagabag sa akin, tulad na lamang ang paggamit rito ng mga OS na hindi ko mawawaan. siguro, maari namang matutunan pero tulad ng una'y humihiling ako ng oras upang matupad ang mga bagay na iyon. hindi ko na nga maintidihan ang lenggwahe, idagdag mo pa ang computer environment na pang-alien ang dating.

sa ngayon, hindi na ako idealistiko. isa na lamang ang iniisip ko. tulad lamang din ako ng isang OFW--nakikipagsapalarang sa isang banyagang bansa dahil pinagdamutan ng oportunidad ng inang bayan. nauunawaan ko na ang kanilang damdamin, ang malayo sa aking pamilya at sa mga mahal sa buhay. narito ako para sa kanila ring mithiin.

kung may maganap mang mabuti sa akin, iyon ay wala ng kaugnayan sa aking pag-aaral, kundi sa aking personal na buhay na lamang. pagkat ang tangi ko nang asam ay ang umibig muli. kundi man naghilom ang mga sugat ng nakaraan, pipilitin kong ikubli ito sa aking lalaking mamahalin. gagawin koi po ang lahat ng aking makakaya upang makapanatili rito at harapin ang isang masaganang bukas sa bansang ito.

-mG

How cound this happen to me?
I know I made a lot of mistakes along the way
But do I really deserve all of these?

Tokyo is lovely, no doubt! I enjoy the change of environment and I appreciate what God's done for me. That I'm just so mightily blessed by Him by granting my very wish a year ago. If you would visit my previous blog, you would be able to read a beautifully crafted entry regarding my wish to come here. Mek a wish

It's a total revelation on the miracles that God can make. Well maybe, I have mentioned that the 'GB' thing is the main reason why I was able to get my wish. But somehow, God still helped me wait for October 1.

So what am I whining about, you would say? I'm in Japan and I'm now experiencing the things I can only dream about last year. I can now study all the Number Theory I want until it comes out of my ears. I mean, unlike before when there are restrictions on what I should do about my field of specialization. I'm now surrounded by likeable guys which are future prospects. Well, of course, I'm relatively poorer than the Japanese but I now have money which I can never make in a year in the Philippines.

I lost Jason, though... But no frets, I have an old-fashioned bike to commute around the neighborhood.

Don't tell me, I'm still complaining after all of these changes. Don't tell me, that I'm not contented. As I said earlier and will say again just to stress my point (and convince myself too) I'm happy to be in Japan!!

Now, here's the point when I'll ask for that one thing that still missing in my life. That promised that God hasn't fulfilled yet...

If I can just trade all of my blessing right now, I would give it all up just to have a new life! I would like to be able to live normally once again. Even if it means that I would not study Number Theory anymore; even if it means that I won't be able to teach once again, and return to UP; even if it means that I'm never coming home--LORD, just give me a good man! I would like to have a family that I can call mine.

Of course it would be ideal if the three things I mentioned above are still possible. That is to study Number Theory, return to UP, and settle in the Philippines, for good. But if it's too much to ask for then I would be very much willing to trade all of these things just to find that something which been missing in my life for so many years. I want a good man, period. I swear that I won't wish for a long time if that is ever granted. Just one good man, Lord, and everything I'll do will be according to Your will.

And one last thing. I know that God is the most intelligent being, so I would assume that He knows what my definition of a good man... Because
I want a good man...not a good person!

-mG

Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With the big fake smiles and stupid lies
But deep inside your bleeding

imagine that we have a device that measures the hope within a person: then i guess mine reads a big fat (and juicy) NIL. honestly, i feel that there is no hope left for me here. of course, i don't expect life to be easy with all the adjustments to make and homesickness to endure. and of course, i'm prepared to be Lost in Translation because of the thick language barrier.

as a matter of fact, i'm very much proud to say that i can take all those blows.

but what i can't take is that my life hardly changed. i always wanna say (Jigouku kara kita) (demo ima mada jigouku ni iru) Translated literally, we have "I came from hell, and I'm still in hell."

I would be straight to the point and stop beating around the bush. Something's terribly missing in my life and I don't know why people finds it hard to understand. I'm a complete person and I believe in God and at the same time I have endured and suffered the melancholy of spending quality time with myself all the time. It's just that I'm not a hypocrite and get on with so much pretensions. All I want is to have and commit to a relationship. I can't see any reason why that is ever taboo.

I've never been into any serious relationship. In fact, maybe I have never experience to be love romantically. Now they ask, what is sorely missing in my life, perhaps, that's my answer. I've been in love before and maybe just maybe, he loves me too, but that's beside the point. I've never been on that bounds of a true relationship, and just for once, I'm praying to God that He would let me experience that.

I mean, I'm tired of the mundane right now. It's always the same thing over and over again. I'm tired of being single, and because of that it seems that I'm starting to hate the other things that I used to love, like my mathematics for instance. I thought that it's some sort of an ultimate male turn-off, and i'm afraid that studying just prints me with some sort of a y-chromosome repellant.

i really wanted to study and i don't want to be unfair to myself because i know very well that i deserve a graduate degree. i'm aware that i'm smarter than most kids, but maybe those kids are not single and are well-loved. so they end up being happier and more successful on their studies. it's damn hell frustrating!

and because of such frustrations i end up with an unpleasant disposition than more often than not projects negatively socially. not a few thought of me as some sort of a nut or a desperado. of course, i'm a natural toughie so i'm still able to continue and function normally if not impressively.

I know the first step always start with God's will, so here I would just admit to Him (and myself) what I really want...and need..

if can just talk to God, and suppose that He would listen to me, i would just ask that He gives me a boyfriend right now!

That's as direct and simple as can be. No frills, nor add-ons, no more euphemisms; just as it is. I promised that if He would ever grant me that wish, then I would gladly accept all consequences that comes within the package. Just a bf, Lord... that's all.

Now, that felt a bit better and glancing at my imagined 'hope-measuring-device! i saw some tiny bars emerged and lighted.

-mG

let's just pretend that i'm in a good mood today. i don't know why but it's rare so might as well take full advantage of my cheerfulness.

i guess that despite the hellish moments that bother me once in while, life's been a bit better this year (at least compared to the previous years) well, please forgive me if i would sound like a bloated head but this sort of Christian-Protestant tradition sometimes strokes the ego to the give me a triple sub-exponential big-O.

the biggest news probably is a battleneck between 'me, getting a car,' and ' me, coming to Japan.' the former is what you'll call a blissful set-up of misfortune and fortune; (remember when i was almost killed by holdapers on March 15, 2004, and a week later, Jason came to my life)

the latter is diametrically opposite to it and required tearshed, bloodshed, moneyshed, and a million prayers addressed to all Saints and Virgins in the planet. Well, anyway, this is very much chronicled on this blog and in fact the reason for the title.

but whoever emerge as the winner is no longer important. What matters is that they both came true and at the end of the day i can always resort to remind myself that i may not be such a complete loser afterall.

beside them, i also have the following runner-ups to write (and brag about)

second-runner up is my 1 week thai-vacation with my father. this, i accomplished using my own money, which i simply earned by working my butt off during our summer break. i think that's something to be proud of, i hope nobody would disagree with me. i remember that i've just purchased a second hand car a couple of weeks from then, when i decided to go to a trip to thailand. that wasn't the smartest idea for someone's who's due for Japan in a few months time, but i just wanted to chill out and enjoy the fruits of my labor.

third runner up probably i would give to my volunteer work for Bangon Pilipinas, when i helped campaign for Brother Eddie. It may seem off-kilter from other's because it's not a trophy or a medallion that i can wear and show off, and very few people would realize that i have so much value for it. i guess one of my heart's most desperate desire is to feel that i'm of service to my country in some way. or to say it directly without hesitation, i would love to be an activitist (but that's never possible, given the turn of the tide!)

next, i would say is still on it's incubation stage right now, but might amount hugely in the future. it's a minor thing but the deal is i took the first step in letting go and moving on. i don't want to pre-empt the development but just for the record, at least i'm 90% sure that i'm finally over HIM. i hate to use the word 'sure' cause it may not be the case, but for the lack of a better adjective, i guess, we just have to contend with that. you heard it right, and you heard it from me, i swear that i'm making such a gallant effort to let go and move on, and have a normal, (not necessarily) happy life of my own.

lastly, is something closely related to the previous item; this i would say is my greatest accomplishment in japan, so far. it's nothing huge, and furthermore i regret to inform the ministry of education... that it's nothing academic. it concerns my social life and how i'm quite successful in enlarging my network of friends. this is something--take note of the phrase--something which i never done back in UP. before, i used to have about 13 friends, so you might infer that i'm one sociable gal, but the problem is that my circle of friends is just like a circuit --a closed one. and that all of its members are mathematicians!! perhaps, that is something that stuttered my growth and caused me a lot of reasons to commit one mistake after the other. so, don't blame me if i used to date some of my students before, since that's my only pool of resource. what i've done right now, is really a baby step, but if you're familiar with factoring algorithms, then it's just instinct to hope that a giant step is coming soon. i'm keeping my fingers crossed.

one of the reasons why i wrote this entry is so that it would serve as a reminder in the coming 'my-life-sucks' days that there's still some reason to cheer about, and that there's simply no other choice but to suck the pain and live life to the fullest.

-mG

if i try to visit my long term memory bank, i guess the last time i was able to use a MAC is 12 years ago, when i was in the 6th grade. but that junk is definitely unlike this sophisticated machine i'm using right now.

it's not very different from an ordinary lap top or notebook, but somehow, the thought that i'm using an OS other than a pirated Windows XP or the 'not so uncommon afterall' Linux, gives an elite-kind of feeling.

actually, i never expected to be able to use such a machine here. our lab uses some sort of hard-core (primitive, in my opinion) UNIX environment, which of course messed my brain with admin permission requirements: while the archaic public PC on the dorm would get me killed by my nigger dorm mate if i play with it much longer.

in the end, i suddenly find solace in the quiet corner, of a quiet room, of a quiet building, in a quiet campus--a hi-tech equipment at my fingertips.

too bad, just when i finally installed a ym, i realized that there are no friends to chat with. it's 4pm here in tokyo, japan; i guess most of them have classes. i wonder what 'christian' is doing right now.

nevertheless, i won't let this moment pass by. the atmosphere gives an austere tinge in the nerve and prods me to blog. no sense, in returning to lab to be harassed by 'mc'--yeah, i call him by that name, cause that's the mildest non-cuss word i can think of to refer to that person i despised the most, right now.

how cruel the world can be? just when i have this concrete chance to live a new life i truly longed for, MC has to happen and ruin that chance. oh, i asked God, why this has to happen to me?

-mG

Currently feeling: drained

i guess it's a regrettable fact that no matter how much i would like to disclose these lamentations to a dear friend, the given tangled-up circumstances would not permit me to do so. but what a relief it would bring if only i can talk to him once again and breathe out all of the pain and anguish brought about by turn of events. maybe, it's such a one-sided form of endearment, but somehow i believe that once in my life, i earned a true friend in him.

too bad, he can't and won't acknowledge that...

anyway, i'm doing this entry in the desperate attempt that God (or some chanced reader) would be able to understand my real emotions right now. that if only it's possible to e-mail him once again, here's how my letter would appear:

Dear *****,

Hello, you haven't answered my last mail, i could pretend to guess that you are busy as always, but i can't be that naive. of course, i know that you are doing this for my sake. well, to tell you the truth, i kinda appreciate that effort (or lack thereof) to be rude and ignore me completely. that is despite the fact that i'm just informing you how well i fare out here.

i'm a teacher too, so it's just natural if i will be proud of my students if they do well knowing that i was the one who first taught them this or that. well, maybe, we're not so similar afterall.

but no worries, my friend, I really understand your reasons, and like i said earlier, i take nothing against you for that.

anyway, i'll jack-up the pace of my letter or else you'll be bored with it; i just wanna say a horrible realization: i think i hate Number Theory!!

ok, before you start cursing me "sabi ko na nga ba? etc, etc..." my friend, i would like to pre-empt that because it is not the case. at least not as simple as that. maybe, it's so true that my very first glimpse and passion for Number Theory came through some your 'oh well' boring lectues but back then everything's completely different.

have you ever heard of this guy named Manu Ginobili? well, chances are not since he's not a mathematician, but if ever you watch some NBA and the recent Athens Olympics, then he's a shoo-in in your vocabulary. besides, he's from argentina so if you read about the current political turmoil there then his name probably popped out at least once. anyway, there's a famous in-quote on Manu, it is said that "Ginobili is a better competitor than he is as a player."

i guess, i found some semblance in my case. before, there used to be so much hindrance to study. i mean, i hope you would admit that 'you being uncomfortable' about it contributes mightily to that fact. of course, i know that you were very supportive on that aspect but somehow the turmoil in our personal relationship robs something from your valant effort.

here's where my boy Ginobili comes into the picture. like everybody else, i enjoy doing stuffs which i excel at, modestly aside. i guess, that's pretty normal, but i'm ginobilish in the sense that i love it even more when some level of challenge is presented with it.

don't get me wrong, i'm not saying that number theory is a piece of cake here; it's more of an intrinsic realization that the whole business is an ego thing, and i feel that somehow i've got nothing else to prove to myself.

i'm really sorry but this is how i feel right now, and this is worsened by the fact that there are shitty stuffs that complicates it. i don't wanna sound like the whiner you've known me for, but the current situation is a bit unbearable.

i'm not asking u to understand. i'm just sorry for betraying your trust.

so maybe, we'll never see each other again... ever.

-mG

i'm doing my best to stay awake. God! this is such a difficult ordeal. "come on," i order my eyelids to open then breathe heavily. i re-balmed my lips for the first time--that minute; for the whole seminar time, i already lost my count. God! have mercy and let me die not from such a terrible boredom. just my bad luck, cause i forgot to go to the church last sunday, that he won't listen to my prayers now.

i glanced at the tiny clock placed on a nearby shelf. it reads 10:46! God! maybe, there's really no God in the world!

my fingers begin to itch, at least it wants to do some work to fight my sleepy head. but i simply filled half-page of my notes with the following angry phrases: "ayoko na.. ayoko nang mag-Number Theory! Ayoko na rito! hindi ko na ma-take.. ayoko na talaga!! ayoko nang mag-aral! ayoko na rito...", it goes on and on.

nothing fruitful happened for the next 5 minutes. in fact, every second becomes trash sitting on that chair i promise to loathe until the time my grandson earns his PhD in Princeton.

how fascinating? the title of this entry sounds like a specialty of a ramen house!! have you noticed how creative a person can get when he or she is intoxicated with this (sic) downer called boredom? this is such a notable lesson in the field of humanities.

for the final icing my cake, let me type down some lyrics of a song i composed during that time;

sometimes this school feels like a prison
that often jails my soul
there's so many rules i've got to follow
cause you can't let go
i don't wanna hear it
and i just can't believe them
all the stupid things you say..

but one day, i won't take this anymore
one day, i'll be on my own, you know
to do, to do what i want to
i don't have to run away
and you won't be there to say i'm not around you
one day!

-mG