Japan is lovely. probably my new favorite place in the world. sorry california, no worries. i still adore thy phantom! it's just that japan is the future without forgetting the centuries before that built it. they make life convenient without losing life's personal charm. i'm speaking mainly of the robots that rule greater tokyo. from vending machines which proudly spew my brand of cokes and smokes, to the humanoids that direct traffic in under-construction conditions. the atm machines are also smart enough to deny me their use. i dont have one of those visa's on my card which is a good thing, i probably would've bought every miniature sticker, keychain, and all toys tiny simply at the fact that they aren't concerned about a choking hazard. could the japanese be smart enough to not eat something that's non-food?

speaking of food, holy tastebuds! i dont know exactly what i ate, i do know that some of it still had eyeballs, but i've never been more satisfied after a meal. noodles for breakfast, rice meal for lunch, sushi for dinner, repeat regularly for 5 days or until irregular.

i met the coolest people while i'm here. and so sweet, they sometimes give gifts, mostly local delights. thank you god. makes me ponder whether i should start hooking up after a delight of wasabe, or freaked out bowing after bows or maybe i should've sat next to a pile of cash or a big sack of weed.

my favorite person/place that i encounter so far was two floors up in some random alley in shibuya. strawberry fields it was called. how appropriate. may it last forever. what is it you ask? you'd have to see it for yourself to believe it, i would say it's a shrine. no, a temple. a temple of rock and roll. if its ever been called rock you can find it there. it's basically a small bar built inside of this guy's 30+ year record collection. you ask for it, he plays it. he pulls records from all angles and doesn't even have to dig. then he smiles, sips his beer and prepares to freak you with the results of your requests and then some. wow, what a place. that place is the reason we make music. all for that guy. wow... i'm tearing up just thinking about it. no, nevermind, it's all the smoke in this internet cafe. makes you wonder, if they have smoking sections, couldn't they have peeing sections in pools?

I'm staying in a rather new town called Minami-Osawa; it resembles Eastwood with a slight touch of suburb Taiwan. there's little techie to brag off here but i kinda appreciate the nature's wonders.

-mG

Currently feeling: refreshed

It seems like such a long time ago since I watch MTV or heard tolerable pop music. But thank God, someone was kind enough to switch the radio to the foreign station. I never thought I would be saying this but I do missed VJ Heart and the crappy MY MYX. I missed riding with Jason overspeeding on the Elliptical road, gambling our lives to the skin of our teeth.

Everything's different now! There's no music for such solace; there's no Jason to waiting for me; there's no *****...

But what I have now is the life that I have always wished for when I didn't have it. I can live once again, free from the prejudice brought about about by persistently tormenting past. What I have right now is an opportunity to see more of the world and discover the wonders of humanity.

Anyway, it does not really matter if I want the present more than my past. Because there's only one direction to look, and that is the future. I guess that it's finally time to move forward. I may have failed on a lot of things and I may have enjoyed it too, but I can not go back to them and be held captive by my past.

All I can do now is just to remember them once-in-a-while. To cherished the memories without getting stuck to them. To live and to love again...

Now, I sound like Rachel Anne Go.. I missed her too. My students used to call me by that name.

-ja

I would like to congratulate myself for lasting 10 days before I finally cried. I think it required a lot of toughness to withold such emotion.

But evidently, I can't hold back when I played the audio cd my students gave me as farewell gift. It's called the 'Night of the champions' and contained a special rendition of 'Through the Rain7 sung by Rachel Anne Go. (Well, my students usually teased me that I'm just like her..) That song is also special since I did a duet at a Karaoke bar with my friend Joanne.

And of course, I can relate to the lyrics knowing the current situation I'm in. This is not what I expected but I'm just so thankful to be here to even think about it. I wanted to be tough and withstand the punches life would throw to my face.

Loneliness is truly a beautiful emotion! You get to know yourself better and there's always a positive thought that things will better eventually. One time I was watching the rain dropped violently on the terrace, and then I realized that these rain drops are just like the tears flowing through my eyes. Sooner or later, the rain will go away and my favorite star called the sun will brighten up tomorrow and wipe my tears away.

It's just like swallow the bitter pill first to cure a sickness. Right now I can still convince myself that everything's gonna settle out fine. I hope it's not too long -- but long enough for me to completely engulfed the whole pill. Before I left the Philippines, I usually console myself that if he's nothing but a lesson learned then I'll just make sure that I learn my lesson well. That's why I was trying to maximize the pain by loving to the fullest extent of my loving capability. He's taught me a lot and I'm now stronger and hopefully wiser for it.

Now, the same thing's happening. The sufferings are still there because maybe there are still lessons to learn and life's making sure that I take them to heart. Somehow, somewhere, sometime, things will go my way. But for now...

-mG

sabi nila i look Chinese raw, but ? ? ?????? ?? ???

i've been a loser ever since birth so nothing's new with this.ya,ryt
i'm sending mail 2 myself.but no frets,i just have this collossal urge to
blog but i don't have internet accessother than thru my new ､ｱ､ｿ､､
which does not show a very good interface.
well anyway,this day marks my quest for a new life. the song of simple
plan is playing on my head:"1 day,i won't take this anymore.1 day i'll
be own my own u know to do what i want to.i won't have to run away n u
wonT be there to say that i'm around u.1 day!"
i guess i'm finally awoke from the delussion that things would get
better somehow. i'm here in japan and life still sucks as always.
most people come here to earn a degree so they can b respectable when
they return home.some to earn money.some to do both.i only came here to
live a new life. but sadly that will never happen. this is not the way
it should be done. i'm still anguishing in hell. worst there's no jason
to turn to. no overspeeding on hiways,just the same shitty ol feeling
that i don't wanna live anymore.
i said it over and over again: we're just riding a sick cycle carousel.
this will never end unless i stand down from this for good."
i mean it,if that's the way he wants it to be.. i would be quitting my
mathematics!
it hurts a lot esp when i finally have this concrete chance of
fulfilling something for a change. but i feel that,it will simply hurt more if
i tolerate thy egoistic emotions. the story is that i was very wrong to
assume that japan will be my chance to get out of the mess i'm in.
things will not get better for me. i will simply be in a deeper hole if
i continue with this.
i don't knw what's in store for me though.i have always dreamed of
becoming a mathematician. esp my pact with joanne. that seems crazy but i
take it to heart.we both love number theory..n how a single makes a
difference. yes that was hilarious,my favorite line for the yr but i guess
i don't anymore.
i would like to earn an MS degree.well not bcoz i still feel for this
subject but because i deserve it.i worked so hard for this,i have 51
units of grad courses to show off. i simply deserve it.
u know,a grad degree is just plain ego thing for me.it's just the way
these days but i dont buy that stuff.u dont actually get smarter with
it. As i always say:"Galois did not even graduate.. u can have 5 phds and
still rh is unsolved."
what's the use of arguing.i love my mathematics,and i know from the
start that i'm different.i know i don't do this for the distinction cause
thats just crap for.i know that good things are in store for me..
before..
but they won't happen now. the scars are just too deep. i can no longer
be oblivious to the fact that nothing's good ever gonna happen.
NOTHING! accept that.

-mG