shizukuxp

I'm now a housewife. Hurray!

Main Job - wash clothes, clean house, cook every other day, buy water

Secondary job - study Chinese, surf the net

Hobby - study Japanese, watch DVD

Currently watching: Iron Man
Currently feeling: accomplished

shizukuxp

My hormones have been fluctuating terribly lately. For no apparent reason, I would get really depressed and call my bf then find a way to complain to him. After which, I would feel horrible of what I have done and even become more depressed. It is a crazy cycle.

Earlier, he might have noticed why I am continuously nagging him and so he began complaining. When I heard the tone of his voice, I knew it wasn't a promising sign, and so I resort to the most effective way -- crying!!

Of course he felt guilty and for 20 minutes, he just tried to pacify me. I think I'm very lucky with him cause he really loves me a lot that he is ready to make me happy at all cost. I am thankful to God for giving me such a man. Not every girl is as fortunate as I am.

Anyway, I am sure of one thing, that he is the ONE for me and that he is the only one who can complete me as a person--yeah, "throw away the feminists badge!"

So, what am I crying about in the first place?? Oh well, quitting Mathematics is not as easy as what I have thought it would be. I mean, I know I could have bear the additional 3 more years in Ireland and get myself a PhD but then it would mean that I will be away from my bf for 3 more years -- which in intolerable.

Hence, I just weighed the options. 1) I sucked the 3 years of loneliness and continue with the LDR, and after that be with him, if we have endured the temptations around us and survived the ordeal. Or just 2) Quit my PhD, and in 3 years I would have a family with him.

I guess, being already 26 years old made me favoured the 2nd. Of course, it also comes with a hefty price of losing the 20,000Euro salary, but on another hand, it means that I'm getting married... YES! the first official announcement on my blog! We are tying the knot this August!

 We are now choosing our rings..

Currently listening to: Nickelback's FarAway
Currently watching: Football game: Italy v Spain
Currently feeling: satisfied

shizukuxp

Last night, my sweetie n I talked on GTalk for more than 6 hours straight. It's good when he has two days off and he has no other activity. We watched videos simultaneously on UTube and played some online games. It was the next best thing since we cannot be physically together.

These past few months we are becoming really much closer than before as we have to discussed about our future plans, both immediate and long term. I am starting to feel very relaxed with him as I can tell him all my worries and requests as well. For instance, I just sent him an updated version of my CV and asked his opinion which particular industry can I try.

He gave me kind words of encouragements that sooner or later some company would really pay attention and give me a chance to prove myself. During my low moments especially when I lost that 3400Euro for being honest, he sent me a bouquet of flowers and talked to me until the wee hours of the morning in Shanghai.

Right now, the terrible shock of quitting my high-paying PhD position is slowly rubbing off but still I haven't had any clear idea what I'm gonna do after. Of course, I am gonna be enrolled in a Chinese language school. As early as now, I am using all my free time to improve my Chinese by listening to daily podcasts. When I am feeling lazy for the day, I simply threat myself that if I don't study hard, my Mandarin will be the same level as my Japanese. Since I don't want that to happen, I try speaking Chinese on the Chinese stores and restaurants here, unconcerned if they can actually understand English. I let go of my shyness, in fact one time I ordered Chinese food delivery, I spoke 50% Mandarin. "Zhe li, nae ga hao? [    ]  Gei wo nae ga. Wo xiang Chao fan he tu duo. Wo xihuan he xue pi. Gei wo er ge." Yeah, I don't know if the grammar is particularly correct but at least, the person can understand my tones.

Anyway, I am sure that if I can master Mandarin then getting a job in Shanghai wouldn't be so impossible. Well, in case I just become so unlucky, I can always rely on my sweetie and perhaps be his business partner.

Currently listening to: Chinese Pod - Airplane Arrivals
Currently watching: Binbo Danshi starring Oguri Shun
Currently feeling: accomplished

shizukuxp

First of, from July 2008, Mathematics would just be history for me. I am quitting! Yes, you heard it right. No more PhD! No more Cryptography! No more of these stuffs! In fact, when I go back home, the first thing I'm gonna do is to start a book sale of my Math book collection. I do have some great titles, both real textbooks - some of the GTM series, and Math trivia books, Olympiad collections, and even Math, Crypto-related novels. Everything will be sold for less than half the price in stores. So, don't miss out the opportunity.

Next, I am returning to the P.I. on mid-July. I will be there for a month, to prepare some important documents, and also for the upcoming visit of my bf. Hope everything turns out well, this time. After that, I will come to live with him in Shanghai. Hurray!! So, I am really keeping my fingers cross that we manage to do accomplish everything on his visit.

Finally, let me finish this off with this hilarious picture.. Tell me what u think.. LOL!

Currently listening to: 愛してるの響きだけで強く慣れる気がしたよ
Currently watching: Incredible Hulk preview
Currently feeling: silly

shizukuxp

I haven't blog for quite some time. That is, in spite of the fact that I'm relatively free these days. I don't know, perhaps I'm not very much in the mood. And I really don't get many response from people, because I prefer this to be anonymous.

Perhaps, it's als because I'm really NOT a good writer and I don't discuss anything interesting. It feels like I'm talking to a wall. Plus, now I realize that tabulas functions are rather inferior to other blog sites. 

What I want to write today? Nothing special except that I am very confused again. Actually, not really confused, more of insecure and scared. Yeah, I'm friggin scared.

Ok, let me drop the bomb. I'm getting married soon (dont wanna say the date, yet). But it's not why I am confused. I love my boyfriend so much, I know he is the ONE for me. I believe he is the only person whom I can be truly happy with. From the very first moment I laid my eyes on him, I am already in love with him. I am crazy about him then, and I'm crazy about him now, and forever.

So, what then is the reason why I'm feeling this way -- anxious, down, depressed, and just purely devastated.

Well, let me start with saying that I have quit on my PhD in Mathematics. To be honest, I am not really enjoying it, and I am also not very satisfied with my performance. Everyday, I just realize my dismay for the subject. Of course, there are still plenty of times when my curiousity would be aroused by a great speaker or an application to cryptography, network security,  and comminunication technology but for the rest of the times, I just feel flusterred with my sheer inability to really do something valuable.

For instance, one time my boyfriend asked me to help him set-up a secure FOREX company from China to Iran, and vice versa, with some technology imitating PAYPAL. All we needed is an e-mail client with the following basic functions of encryption, digital signatures, and certificates. I explained the theoretical framework cum protocol of what we are going to do, but I have no f*ckin clue on how to do it in practice. And then there was a time when he asked me to help him put some encryption on some AUTOCAD softwares that he wants to sell, and again, I'm so stupefied to give a decent reply.

What I'm saying is that now I realize how f*ckin wrong G.H. Hardy is!!! Mathematics may be beautiful and crypto is by no doubt very interesting, BUT if the person doing them cannot contribute to the real world, then it is of little importance, after all. So why study it anyway?

Perhaps, if I say these to mathematicians then they would just reason out that these tasks are more suited for engineers instead. Right! Good point! However, I believe that if we just teach and train engineers about cryptography while refusing to get our hands dirty with the actual implementation, then by the time job-hunting season arrived, the engineers get hired and we sulked down back to our classrooms.

Well, maybe the main reason why people take a PhD is to be in the academe' in the first place. The truth is, that is also what I thought of before. I was very much inspired by my professors and I really wished that I could be like them and live a very relaxed way of life.

But when I analyze it, I really don't have a deep passion for mathematics,  it is more of living someone else's life. Now, I don't want to live that kind of life anymore, as simple as that!

Or so I thought..

Nevertheless, it is still a huge psychologically. I've been doing mathematics all my life. Not necessarily happy, but it's the only thing I know. I wished I have tried something else, but I really didn't get the proper opportunities. Or perhaps, I didn't exert the best efforts to find them.

When I talked about this to my bf, he just assured me that everything will be fine. With him, I can do anything my heart desires. I dont really need to work to survive, although I am not really comfortable without financial freedom. I'm cool with the studying Chinese thing, for maybe a year or two, or three, depends on me. Then when I get tired of my lack of financial freedom, perhaps I could find any job, I mean just get a taste of real life. Doesn't matter which industry, just any company who would risk on me. Or maybe just become a housewife, raise a family, try my luck on novel writing, study Japanese again, etc..

As long as I have him, I can be happy??? I hope I can still say that in 3 years..

Oh well, writing this made me realize, that maybe my problem is that I am too blessed. I dont know which blessing is the best.

Currently listening to: Take that Shine
Currently reading: JPod - Karoushi 3
Currently feeling: scared

shizukuxp

(Hao Jiu Bu Xie) I'm trying to see how far I have progressed with my Chinese ability. I may not know the characters that much but pretty much I'm quite confident with my overall grasp of Mandarin. And this is for less than 4 months, without really studying it formally. 

ChinesePod RuleZZ!  

Currently listening to: CPod
Currently reading: CPod Dictionary
Currently feeling: jubilant

shizukuxp

Kanina nabasa ko sa PEYUPS.com ang isang relationship thread tungkol sa "Practical Marriage." Isang reply ang nakapagpabagabag sa aking isipan. Ayon kay chocnut_girl, hindi tunay na pangalan (isang alias, ika nga), "practical" lamang na asawahin ng isang Pinoy/Pinay ang isang matandang Europiyan upang makapunta o makapanatili sa isang maunlad na bansa.

Hindi naman ako ipokrita. Sa totoo nga, dalawa o tatlong taon lamang sa nakaraan ay pinangako ko sa sarili ko na upang mabigyan ko ng magandang kinabukasan ang aking mga anak ay mag-aasawa ako ng isang banyaga mula sa 1st world. Tanggap ko na kase na wala nang pag-asang umunlad pa ang aking inang bayan pagkat labis-labis na talaga ang korupsyon at pagpapabaya ng gobyerno sa kanilang mga katungkulan. Hindi ko nga maikakaila na naging desperado rin ako sa pagkuha ng visa ng Amerika na tila ba magpapapako rin ako sa krus kung kinakailangan.

Kung gayon ay bakit biglang bumaliktad ang ihip ng hangin at tila ba nagkaroon ako ng damdaming makabansa?

Inaamin ko na ang pangunahing dahilan nito, sa masuya man kayo o hindi, ay dahil na rin sa natuto akong umibig. (NAKS! ang lupet chong! ) Dati-rati kase ay tinanggap ko na hindi ko na mahahanap ang aking "The ONE," kaya upang makapag-asawa na lang at lahat, ay pipiliin ko na ang isang tiga-1st world. Bakit ba ako magtiya-tiyaga sa batugang Pinoy gayong hanggang sa kasalukuyan ay hindi pa rin legal ang diborsyo sa bansa?

Nang makilala ko "siya" ay napuna ko na lamang na hindi na sa akin mahalaga ang pasaporte o bisa na iyan. Kumbaga, laking pasasalamat ko pa nga na Pilipino ako dahil andaming bansa ang pwede kong puntahan (yun ang kumpara sa isang pasaporte ng isang tiga-Axis of Evil ). Hindi lamang siguro natin nauunawaan dahil hinahambing lagi natin ang sarili natin sa mga tiga-1st world, ngunit, bilang isang Pilipino ay pwede tayo mamasyal sa halos lahat ng bansa sa Timog Silangang Asya at sa Timog Amerika ng walang bisa o bisa sa imigrasyon ng pandaigdigang paliparan.

PERO, gaano ba talaga kahalaga ang mga bagay na iyan upang ipagpalit natin ang tunay na pag-ibig sa ngalan ng isang sticker sa pasaporte?

Totoong mas madali sa mga puti (at itim na rin mula sa 1st world) ang makalibot sa mundo at makapasok sa isang magandang trabaho. Ngunit, naniniwala rin ako na mas mahalaga pa rin ang abilidad ng isang tao. Hindi dapat maging hadlang para sa isang tao ang diskriminasyon upang hindi nila maabot ang kanilang mga pangarap. Dapat pa nga ay maging inspirasyon nila ito para lalong magsikap at ipakita sa mga lintek na puti na yan na mas magaling kame kaysa sa inyo.

Sa katunayan, laking-tuwa ko nang mabalitaang natanggalan ng bisa ang isang kakilala kong  Amerikanong guro sa Tsina at kinakailangan na niyang bumalik sa kanyang bansa. Ganoon din ang Hapong katrabaho ng irog ko, samantalang ang irog ko na may pasaporte mula Aksis op Evil ay nakakuha ng pangmatagalang ekstensyon.

Sa totoo lang ay sang-ayon ako na unti-unti nang napapalitan ng lumilipat sa Tsina ang kapangyarihan ng mundo. Alam na malaki ang epekto nito sa ekonomiya ng isang maliit na bansa gaya ng Pilipinas na umaasa sa Amerika. Ngunit, kahit pa makasama ito sa ganitong aspeto ay magiging hudyat na rin ito ng isang pagbabago sa mata ng mga Pilipino. Ang tinutukoy ko ay ang panahon kung saan hindi na natin titingalain si "Uncle Sam," ang panahon kung saan lilimutin na natin ang ating tinaguriang "American dream."

HiINDI ko sinasabi na dapat ay tingalain natin ang Tsina o ang "Aksis op Evil," dahil hindi ko naman sinasabi na sila'y mga sugo ng kabutihan. Ngunit, ang hangad ko lamang ay magkaroon tayo ng kamalayan bilang isang Pilipino. Iyon bang maging taas noo tayo sa mga banyaga at hindi tayo  magiging desperado na makatungtong sa bansa nila. Kumbaga kung ayaw nila tayong papasyalin sa bansa nila ay kawalan nila iyon at dapat higpitan rin natin sila sa pagpasok sa bansa natin.

ISA pa, mula sa aking karanasan, labis na mas maganda ang Asya kaysa Amerika at Europa. At kung kasaysayan lang ang pag-uusapan ay malinaw namang mas maunlad ang kasaysayan ng Tsina at panggitnang silangan (kaya nga lamang ay ayaw silang tantanan ng mga pisting-yawang kano).

HINDI naman sa pagmamayabang ngunit nagkaroon ako ng isang nobyo mula sa Amerika at dalawang nobyo na tiga-Europa (at hindi matanda ah). Pero, dahil na rin siguro sa isinilang sila at lumaki sa 1st world kaya hindi nahubog ng husto ang karakter at pag-iisip. Wala silang tunay na kamalayang panlipuman at naniniwala rin silang kapag tiga 3rd world ka ay handa kang ibigay ang lahat para lamang sa inaasam-asam na bisa.

SA totoo nga, sana'y mas marami pang nanligaw puti. Iyon ay dahil lamang sa gusto kong tanggihan sila at isaksak sa baga nila ang lintik na bisa na yan! ISA pa gusto kong isampal sa mga pangit na pagmumukha nila kung kanino ko sila ipinagpalit. Gusto kong bumaba ang morale nila, mawalan ng tiwala sa kanilang pagiging puti nila, at pangarapin na sana ay tiga-Aksis op Evil na lang din sila. Ngunit higit sa lahat ay gusto kong matanto nila na hindi lahat ng Pilipino ay kaya nilang makuha dahil lamang sa Amerikano o Europiyan sila.

NAWA'Y maging aral ito sa mga makababasang Pilipino at kung sakali mang sumalungat sa aking pag-iisip ay salamat na rin po sa inyong atensyon. Ipagpatawad ninyo na hindi ako ganon kagaling sa pagsusulat upang mabago ang inyong saloobin. Salamat pa rin kung gayon.

Currently listening to: Chinese Pod
Currently feeling: productive